


Heartbreak High for Teenage Drama Queens

by Eliliyah



Category: The Originals (TV), The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Celeb au, Comedy, Crack Fic, F/M, Fake Dating, Fluff, Human AU, Klaroline, LGBTQ Themes, Misunderstandings, New York City, OOC, Religious Cults, Satire, Secret Relationships, Stelena, Teenage AU, like domestic violence, mentions of serious topics, randomly bursting into song, rockstar Klaus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:53:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 39,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28170456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eliliyah/pseuds/Eliliyah
Summary: Crackfic comedy in which teenage rockstar Klaus is in a fake relationship with closeted lesbian Davina, winner of The Voice and America’s Sweetheart, while he's sneaking around with aspiring singer Caroline, who is fake dating hair model Stefan so bartender Damon, who struggles with erectile dysfunction, doesn't find out his brother is Elena's baby daddy. Kai is there battling the heartbreak of q-tip addiction to cover up a dark secret that isolates him from the Gemini, a fringe religious group run by Televangelist Preacher Ben Parker. They're famous and go to a school where everyone randomly bursts into song and straws fall from the sky anytime someone mentions God. Massively OOC and ridiculous. Read at your own peril.
Relationships: Caroline Forbes/Klaus Mikaelson, Elena Gilbert/Stefan Salvatore
Comments: 44
Kudos: 25





	1. My Heart's A Hole Under My Skin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [UppityBitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/UppityBitch/gifts).



**A/N** Welcome To Heartbreak High! This was originally meant to be a Glee crossover, but the Glee characters never really took on a life of their own. It's funnier if you know that show, but it isn't necessary. Like the show, the characters randomly, and often inappropriately, burst into song. Just go with it. The first season is already written and will be updated every Saturday. I'm planning 12 "episodes." If there's enough interest, I'll write season two. Fair warning, this is blatantly sarcastic and may only be funny to my bleeding heart. Also, this is dedicated to Uppity Bitch because she spoon fed me ideas throughout the original writing. Enjoy!

 **Song From this Episode**  
Daphne Rubin Vega – Never Gonna Be Your Baby

 **Warning:** While this story is largely satirical, it does contain references to, and several scenes depicting, domestic violence resulting from the tragedy of erectile dysfunction. There will be references to emotional and religious abuse of a child, as well as child abandonment, both of which will be related to either gender identity or sexual orientation. The resulting mental health issues that stem from this abuse will be discussed in "A Very Special Episode." This story will also feature teen pregnancy. Finally, I will candidly address the heartbreak of q-tip addiction. If these are triggers for you, please seek therapy.

* * *

**Episode One: My Heart's a Hole Under My Skin**

August 2025

"New York City: Center of the universe," Caroline Forbes quoted Jonathan Larson's iconic musical. Musicals were quoted often around Hudson High for the Performing Arts in Manhattan. Caroline and her secret boyfriend, Klaus Mikaelson, were seniors. Today was the first day of what everyone referred to as "classes." However, it was well known on campus that the Headmaster and Headmistress didn't exactly ascribe to a standard curriculum. Though they now owned a school together, Will Schuester had once been Rachel Berry's glee coach in Lima, Ohio… wherever that was.

Caroline was a city girl now. She and her best friends, Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert, had come together from a nothing town called Mystic Falls, VA when vocal coaches Kurt and Blaine Anderson-Hummel had come to see their production of, "Zanna Don't: A Musical Fairytale." Smitten with Stefan's well-styled hair, they'd invited all three to come to New York at the start of their junior year. They lived with Damon, Stefan's drunken loser of a brother, on the lower east side. He'd blown through the family fortune before he was old enough to drink the booze he now served as a bartender in Queens' slummiest strip club. Every shift was a painful reminder of his very karmic erectile dysfunction. Caroline lived with her mom, Liz, but she snuck off to see Klaus as often as she could… such as this moment in his bedroom before she'd have to sneak out and catch a subway three blocks over to avoid being seen together sans the rest of their circle.

"Times are shitty, but I'm pretty sure they can't get worse," the teenage heartthrob quoted the next line. Caroline sighed at him sadly. They'd been over this a million times. Klaus was trapped in a very fake relationship with a very big lesbian, Davina Claire. Born in New Orleans, Louisiana, she was now America's Sweetheart. Two years ago, she became the youngest singer to win 'The Voice' at only thirteen years old. Klaus had been fifteen when his little brother, Kol, came in second. Klaus had been teaching Kol some chords on his electric guitar when Davina just happened to stop by.

The paparazzi caught an adorable photo of the threesome, but Kol never made headlines. When he got cropped, Klavina broke the internet. Glad to have Sue Sylvester, the coach from hell, off her back about upping her "sex-appeal", the thirteen-year-old virgin stayed on Klaus' arm… and in the closet. After all the obligatory performances, and after an unfortunate photo surfaced involving ranch dressing, a pipe wrench and the elderly judge from the hit 1970s TV show, 'Daggers A Plenty,' Kol had returned to London. Klaus had transferred to Hudson to stay with Davina, who was now a sophomore... and still in hiding. Fortunately, Klaus was a year older than the small-town singers, which meant he was 18 and now had his own apartment. Unfortunately, he'd been a bit of a bad boy in Britain and gotten himself held back a year in middle school. The raven-haired popstar was the opposite as a chronic over-achiever.

Davina came from a rather odd family with even odder religious views. Singing on Sundays was her way to cope. Also unfortunately, or perhaps just fortunately, she'd been disowned after she auditioned for The Voice as her family believed her vocal talents came from Satan. Sharing them on television was something akin to devil worship for mee-maw and pappy Claire. It was almost entirely for that very heart wrenching reason that Sue made damn sure Davina ended up on her team after the knockouts. After getting booted out of Washington D.C. when Führer Trump came to power, Sue blackmailed the President of Fox Network, Principal Figgins (known colloquially as P-Fig), into landing her a chair despite never having released an album of her own. Sue had been fully prepared to rig the vote, but Davina won of her own accord.

Once the hype died down and it was time for the pop princess to go back to school, Will reached out to his old frenemy and offered up a scholarship for America's cutest couple. She'd been taken in by Brittany and Santana Lopez-Pierce, the school's dancing and acting coaches. Klaus' older brother, Elijah, had initially come to New York at the start of Klaus' junior year, but left once his wife, Katerina Petrova, got a nude modeling contract in Bulgaria. The almost legal pop singer had rented an apartment in a building owned by The Gemini under his brother's name to avoid returning to London and sacrificing his record deal. His album, "The Original Hybrid," had gone multi-platinum when he dropped its lead single, "Always and Forever."

While his career was skyrocketing, apparently his sins were racking up as well. Klaus later learned The Gemini were a fanatical religious cult with a strange obsession. While he hadn't stayed in the building long after several members showed up to exorcise him using holy water contained in sealed straws, he'd managed to make friends with Kai Parker before getting the hell out of dodge. Klaus was aware that Kai's father, Ben, was some kind of preacher on television, but he'd never watched the show.

Kai had confided in Klaus that The Gemini believed the blood of Christ was tainted when it underwent mystical transubstantiation. To protect their followers from Satan's spell, wine had to be consumed through a plastic straw as it was heresy to touch lips or skin. To share this knowledge was to blaspheme The Gemini. As far as the followers outside the Parker line were concerned, the tiny straws were for purposes of divine sanitation.

Concerned that Kai might be going insane when his friend offered him a straw with a handwritten Bible verse before a big day in the studio a few weeks after he'd moved out, Klaus got him an audition with Will to get him out of homeschool hell. He'd been accepted immediately, but The Gemini were, of course, vehemently opposed. Ten minutes with Rachel Berry was enough for Ben Parker to change his tune. The religious zealot would have sold his soul to the devil just to get her out of his church during communion prep. It was a lot of work to collect enough plastic straws for all of his unsuspecting followers. Kai was only sixteen, but he'd flown through homeschool and was a senior alongside his first friend outside the family.

The Gemini's story had eerie similarities to Klaus' fake girlfriend, so he'd introduced the pair and they'd all become fast friends. Davina's first few weeks were rough as the world had such high expectations of the pint-sized superstar. Caroline had told her in no uncertain terms to get the fuck over herself and come hangout at The Abattoir with the D-list. She'd had so much fun at the tacky horror-themed karaoke bar that Brittany and Santana hadn't even bitched at her for coming in after her self-imposed curfew of 8:00pm.

Delighted to finally have girlfriends, albeit the platonic kind, Davina had gone back every night that week. Wherever she went, Klaus and Kai weren't far behind. By Friday, the two blonde songsters were swapping sheet music… much to the dismay of Caroline's biggest fan, Tyler Lockwood. He was one of those guys that auditioned for the school every year, but never made it past open calls. Caroline had slept with him a few times out of pity and he'd stuck to her like glue. It had taken her three months to shake him since she couldn't exactly tell him she was sharing a mic with America's Sweetheart… not that Klavina had done any singing.

"We wouldn't have to hide if you'd cut your hair when Sue told you to," Caroline sighed as she lay down on Klaus' bare chest. Unfortunately for New Direction's star nightingales, Sue Sylvester knew the truth about Davina's preferred key. Sue held it over all of their heads that there was a morality clause in Davina's record contract. If America found out Klaus' rocket to riches was lit by a lie, they would both go down in giant rainbow flames.

Klaus rolled his eyes and reached for his jet-black Henley. "I refuse to go cue-ball because Sue finds my curls reminiscent of a young Will Schuester," he asserted firmly in his British lilt. Caroline turned to him with a pout when he pulled the soft fabric over the hard planes of his abdomen, his hand gently pulling hers away from his rosary and wolf's tooth necklace on the way.

"I don't know why you wear that," she said petulantly as she fiddled with the black prayer beads under his shirt. "You're not even Catholic."

"No, but Kai seems to think it's important, and since he's my best mate, I wear it." The Gemini cult reject had given it to him when Klaus had refused to carry around one of his hand scripted Bible verse straws in his pocket to ward off the devil. In Kai's defense, Klaus had originally told Caroline that Sue had made a house call that day, which was true... and also frequent. She was now programmed in all of their Xiaomis simply as, "Evil Bitch."

Klaus took Caroline's hand and kissed it. She narrowed her eyes at him when he gave her his famous charming dimpled smile. She knew that smile. He was trying to distract her so that they didn't have the same conversation for the millionth time. "It's not all that different than this," he said, affectionately flicking a small silver sword she wore on a chain dangling just above her exposed breasts.

Caroline's hand flew to the necklace. "Duh," she sassed. "Stefan, Elena and I all wear one because we're the three musketeers. Hell- _o_!"

"Does that make me D'Artagnan?" he asked with an easy smile as he compared himself to the honorary fourth musketeer.

Caroline snorted. "Only if that means Damon is Milady," she snarked as she referred to the evil bitch of the story.

"Why is that, love?" Klaus teased as he pulled her to him for a playful kiss. "I try to be cute, and you reject my charms with talk of the villain?"

Caroline returned his kiss briefly before rising to find her bra. "He's a bigger piece of shit than any fictional bad guy, I assure you." There was venom in her normally bubble-gum voice. "Elena called me crying last night."

The humor dropped off Klaus' Hollywood handsome face. "That's the third night this week. It's getting worse."

Caroline's anger grew with each article of clothing she pulled on… and she was up to her strappy sandals. "Abusers don't get better, babe."

Klaus pulled on his boots and stood to wrap his arms around Caroline's waist. He pecked her on the lips and sighed as he tucked a blonde tendril behind her ear. "The doppelganger would be welcome to stay here if she's ready to leave."

Caroline rolled her eyes. "She isn't my doppelganger."

"Elena is to you as Kaleb is to Kol," he replied quickly as he compared them to his little brother's best friend back home. "Your looks may be incomparable, but you're like the exact same person." Holding a finger over her cherry lips to halt her protestations, he added, "Either way, my offer stands."

The blonde beauty scoffed and pulled away. "Yeah, I'm sure that'd go over really well with the fans. I can see it now: 'The End of Klavina: How The Prince of Pop Broke America's Sweetheart's Sweet Heart.' Story after Führer Trump's Daily Tweet."

"I do wish they would stop calling me that," he grimaced with an eye roll. "The entire purpose of naming my album 'The Original Hybrid' was to highlight the duality of both my pop and rock vocal stylings." He shook his head side to side in grim resignation. "Regardless, that's a terrible headline, and the only sweetheart here is you."

Caroline rolled her eyes dramatically. "Seriously?" she asked with an arched brow.

Klaus handed her a Louis Vuitton Prism backpack that she carried around as part of her swag contract. It certainly wasn't for Hudson, unless sheet music and pitch pipes counted as school supplies. She wasn't exactly topping the charts, but she'd been in several music videos, including three of Davina's. She'd also sung backup for both of their albums. Still, the bubbly blonde longed for a contract of her own. "You are all my lovelies," he said sweetly, tapping a long and calloused finger on her perfect button nose. "However, I'm sure Elena would also be welcome at Davina's if Brittany and Santana were to learn of Damon's true nature."

Caroline handed him his Hermes wallet and hmphed. "The last thing that house needs is another woman. I'm afraid if I spend too much time there, _I'll_ go rainbow."

Klaus smirked at her, his dimples making her breath catch in her velvet throat. He crowded her against the wall and pinned her in place with his hips. Winding his fingers in her hair, he pulled her to him with his free hand. "I wouldn't worry about that," he whispered huskily into her mouth, lips grazing hers before he kissed her deeply.

Caroline kissed him back before pulling away to look him in the eyes, sparkling sapphire on crystalline topaz. "Well, I'm pretty sure Elena isn't going to leave Damon's shithole unless Stefan tells his brother he's-" The young singer had to choke down a gasp and quickly turn it into a coughing fit. Elena wasn't going to leave as long as she was in love with Stefan… but Klaus didn't know that. Nobody did… except the three musketeers.

"Are you alright, love?" he asked, concerned about her sudden cough as it could damage her valuable vocal cords. He'd been pushing his producers to give her a record deal as much as he could without giving his love for her away.

Caroline coughed a few more times for good measure before nodding her head. "Yeah, sorry. Tickle in my throat."

Klaus' lip quirked up in a lecherous smirk, devious dimples on display. "I may be responsible for that," he whispered into her ear before nibbling on her lobe.

Caroline gave in for a moment and melted into him, but eventually she pulled away. He felt way too good for this close to the first bell. "I was just saying I don't think Elena is ready to leave, yet." She sighed again before adding sadly, "Although, I do wish Davina would find some cute girl to bring home. As it stands, I'm never gonna be your baby."

Klaus groaned when he heard the rocky music of Daphne Rubin-Vega's song mysteriously begin playing in the background. "God, you just said a lyric, didn't you?"

Caroline shrugged as she opened the door to his third-floor apartment. She straddled the balcony of the fire escape and began singing in a sultry rock voice. "I wipe my face every morning, wet thoughts of you in my bed. No one can know my obsession, and the dreams that spin in my head. It smells of crime. It smacks of sin. I lose a little more each time I give in."

Klaus' complaints died in his mouth when Caroline danced him up against the brick walls and rolled her hips in a stripper move as she sang the chorus. "But I'm never gonna be your baby. Only heaven knows the reasons why; and you're never gonna know the way I feel: to need you, to want you all over."

"Caroline," Klaus interrupted, the music magically pausing. "I literally know exactly how you feel. We go back and forth with this all the time. If you want to-"

He didn't get the chance to finish his offer before the music returned. "Your body's my secret chapel," she started, running her hands up and down his sculpted sides. "I pray to you every day. No one can hear my confession, or take this burden away. My heart's a hole under my skin. I lose a little more each time you reach in, but I'm never gonna be your baby. Only heaven knows the reasons why, and you're never gonna know the way I feel: to need you, to want you all over."

The blonde singer missed the entire next verse as she was too busy pushing him in the apartment and pushing him on the bed. She was aroused, yes, but also Kai's straws had a way of appearing out of thin air anytime something Biblical came up. They'd barely gotten out alive after the first chorus. This time, she wasn't taking any chances as she climbed on top of him and dragged her nails down his chest provocatively. He eagerly returned the favor, scratching at the sensitive spots he knew just how to find.

Caroline leaned down and grazed her cherry lips against his stubbled jaw as she sang the refrain while grinding on top of him. "The boundaries blur. The lines get thin. Don't even know where you end and I begin." Before his tongue made it to her mouth, she popped off of him and bounced out to the fire escape. The sexy singer chased after her, but she was already climbing down as she sang the final chorus, leaving him to watch her while leaning over the rail. "But I'm never gonna be your baby. Only heaven knows the reasons why, and you're never gonna know the way I feel: to need you, to want you all over. I'm never gonna be your baby. Only heaven knows the reasons why, and you're never gonna know the way I feel: to need you, to want you all over."

Frustrated by the entire situation, he ran his fingers through his messy blonde curls and walked back inside. Picking up his phone, he growled at the screen.

From: Evil Bitch

YOU HAVE UNTIL 5:00 TO CHOOSE: YOUR HAIR OR YOUR SECRET. MAKE YOUR CHOICE ROCKSTAR. SS

Accompanying the text was a blurry picture of Caroline on his fire escape. It was nowhere near enough to prove impropriety… or even prove popstar… but Sue's ultimatum was clear. If he had to choose between Davina and Caroline… it wasn't a choice at all.

* * *

A/N And there you have it. The weirdest crack fic of all time. Is there a KC Award for that? Let me know what you thought!


	2. Nobody Has to Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus makes a decision about shaving his head. Elena opens up to Stefan about the heartbreak of Damon's condition.

**A/N** Welcome back to this utter trash! Thank you to the few of you who read this. Consider this is absolutely awful, I'm really happy with how much positive attention it's gotten. Hope you like this week's installment of garbage! Let me know in a review!

**Songs for This Episode:**

The Greatest Showman – Rewrite the Stars

R Kelly – Down Low

* * *

**Episode Two – Nobody Has to Know**

Sue Sylvester really was an evil bitch. Caroline's eyes widened when Klaus showed her the text backstage after their first day of classes. They were in one of the school's five massive auditoriums. All the seniors had keys to this one, making it a popular hookup… er… _rehearsal_ spot. "So, Davina wasn't the only one?" she asked in shocked horror. She handed it back to him and quickly pulled on her bra and red peasant blouse.

Klaus shook his head and tucked his Mi A10 in the back pocket of his Balmain vintage jeans before buckling his Louis Vuitton belt. It had been a long time since he'd worn anything without some ridiculous designer's name attached. As hard as his manager tried, he was still a jeans and Henley kind of guy. French jeans were as far as he would go on a daily basis. He and Davina both had to endure designers and stylists fussing over them for events. She enjoyed it about as much as he did... which was very, _very_ little.

Klaus pulled her to him and kissed her lightly on the lips. "She wasn't the only one, sweetheart," he confirmed quietly, tenderly tucking a stray blonde tendril behind her ear.

Caroline sighed and fiddled with his short curls, leaning against the wall at stage left. "So, I guess the cue ball is happening after all, huh?" Her tone was melancholy; she loved his unruly locks.

Klaus looked at her aghast, tone firm. "I am _not_ shaving my head for that wretched bitch."

Caroline recoiled immediately. "So, this is, what? You're dumping me for your fucking _hair_?" she shouted as angry tears blurred her vision.

Klaus rolled his eyes and wrapped her up in his arms. She halfheartedly pushed him away, but he was much stronger than his secret girlfriend. She buried her face in his chest, terrified of the words she knew were coming. "I choose the truth, Caroline."

… Which were not _those_ words...

She pulled her head off his chest so quickly that she hit him in the nose. He groaned and pulled back, blood trickling down his upper lip. "I'm sorry!" the little blonde squeaked, immediately running to her bag and rifling through it to find a tissue. "Here, let me," she said apologetically as she dabbed at the blood. "You caught me by surprise," she whispered after several long moments of awkward silence as she waited for his nose to stop bleeding. She hoped he didn't have a photo shoot in the next few days. Although if worse came to worse, Kai could work magic with a makeup brush.

Klaus snorted and shook his head dramatically. "It shouldn't be a surprise," he said, irritated. "You know I love you. Why wouldn't I want everyone else to know it, too?"

Caroline sighed and walked over to the trash can and tossed in the crimson tissue. Keeping her distance, she looked to him and shrugged sadly. "Because it will ruin your career."

"I don't care."

"Yeah you do, babe, and you care about Davina's, too," she reminded him seriously. "Our hands are tied. The only way out is to do what that bitch says. Just shave your head. It's not that big a deal. You can play it off like you're supporting whatever cancer month August is."

Klaus threw up his hands and rolled his eyes. He refused to discuss forced alopecia any further. "Davina is America's Sweetheart. They're not going to turn on her for coming out of the closet. If anything, it'll help her record sales to run around kissing girls a bit." It was true. America loved a good teenage lesbian. He crowded her against the wall and caged her in with his arms. "You know I want you," he sang to her sweetly.

Before Caroline could reply, music mysteriously started in the background. Klaus lifted one of her arms above their heads and held it to the wall, his body rocking against hers. "It's not a secret I try to hide. I know you want me. So, don't keep saying our hands are tied." She pulled away, but he was right behind her, grabbing her arm. "You claim it's not in the cards, but fate is pulling you miles away, and out of reach from me; but you're here in my heart. So, who can stop me if I decide that you're my destiny?"

Caroline smiled wide as he spun her around. She spiraled away, dancing ballet on her tiptoes as she glided across the stage. " _The Greatest Showman,_ Klaus? Really?" she laughed as she ran to him for a dramatic dance lift.

"What if we rewrite the stars?" the young rockstar continued in his British lilt, unable to answer her question as he was compelled to sing. "Say you were made to be mine. Nothing could keep us apart. You'd be the one I was meant to find. It's up to you, and it's up to me. No one can say what we get to be." Caroline's giggle turned into a scream as a rope magically dropped from the ceiling and lifted them off the ground when Klaus wrapped his strong arm around it. "So, why don't we rewrite the stars? Maybe the world could be ours tonight."

Caroline melted into him, returning his kiss as they flew around the stage. When they were close enough to the ground, she rolled off in a somersault and landed ten feet from him to sing her rebuttal. "You think it's easy?" she began seriously in her popstar soprano range. "You think I don't wanna run to you? But there are mountains, and there are doors that we can't walk through. I know you're wondering why because we're able to be just you and me within these walls." She gestured around the empty auditorium (so she thought) as she sang her next lines. "But when we go outside, you're gonna wake up and see that it was hopeless after all."

A large steel hoop conveniently dropped down from the fly behind her, even though nobody was there to lower it. She sat back onto the cool metal and was lifted into the air, spinning wildly around the air above Klaus' troublesome curls. "No one can rewrite the stars," she sang emphatically. "How can you say you'll be mine? Everything keeps us apart, and I'm not the one you were meant to find. It's not up to you. It's not up to me when everyone tells us what we can be."

Klaus chased after her. "It _isn't_ everyone, Caroline," he shouted up at her as she flew overhead. "It's just _one_ person!"

Caroline ignored him as she continued her song, her toes grazing his fingers tips as he reached for her. "How can we rewrite the stars?" she sang mournfully. "Say that the world can be ours tonight?"

Klaus made contact and lifted himself up to the hoop, his body balancing between her legs as he stood on the balls of his feet. Their voices joined together in harmony as she rose to hers, both of them holding onto the rope securing the hoop. "All I want is to fly with you. All I want is to fall with you. So just give me all of you."

Caroline cried, "It feels impossible."

Klaus shook his head. "It's not impossible."

She looked passionately into his crystal blue eyes as she desperately sang, "Is it impossible?"

He answered her question by joining in, their voices blending together and echoing around the stage. "Say that it's possible!" He kissed her deeply, tongues dancing together for a brief moment before they were compelled to finish the song. "How do we rewrite the stars? Say you were made to be mine! Nothing can keep us apart, cause you are the one I was meant to find. It's up to you, and it's up to me. No one can say what we get to be." They harmonized perfectly as Klaus pulled them down, supporting them with one strong hand wrapped around the bottom of the hoop as they flew around wildly. "Why don't we rewrite the stars? Changing the world to be ours?"

Caroline tumbled away gracefully, coming to her feet after a double somersault. She looked at him sadly as the music faded into the background, the sound of a camera shuttering almost audible. Becky Jackson quietly snuck out the main door, escaping to the lobby just in time with Sue's camera in hand as Caroline finished the song on her way to the side door. "You know I want you," she sang honestly. "It's not a secret I try to hide... but I can't have you. We're bound to break and my hands are tied."

Klaus sighed as the door closed behind her. With a million thoughts in his head, he walked out the back door to hail a cab. Tomorrow's assignment was emotional boy band ballads of the late 1990s. He could sing something sappy like, "This I Promise You," or "Anywhere for You," and show her how he felt. That's what people did around here. They sang lyrics instead of speaking words. Songs seemed to be more effective than actual communication. He sometimes wondered about the world they lived in, but as he walked out morosely, he couldn't be bothered.

Overhead, Stefan let out a deep sigh of relief, his head falling back against the wooden planks of the catwalk. "God, when they started flying, I thought we were done for," he said to Elena as she lay on top of him fifty feet above the stage. They'd snuck up there to make out after ditching math when the teacher failed to get hired.

"How were they even doing that?" Elena asked in frustrated curiosity. "There's nobody in the fly."

Stefan shrugged. "I stopped asking questions last year after I woke up with the choreography and libretto memorized for the opening night of _Bare: A Pop Opera._ "

"I loved that show. You were an excellent Peter."

"Yeah, but the day before we had decided on 'Waitress.'"

"Stefan, that doesn't make any sense," she said with a dramatic eye roll before she crawled off of him. His handsome model's face screwed up in confusion at her sudden bewilderment. The moment past and he was following her down the ladder. Turning to face him once they were on stage hiding in the curtains, she said, "I still think it'd be safe to tell Klaus."

Stefan shook his head, hero hair magically staying in place. "We can't risk it. If Damon found out..." he trailed off with a loud exhale through his nostrils.

Elena turned into his hand as he caressed her rosy cheek with his thumb. "I know, babe." She did know. They _all_ knew how abusive Damon could be. It was only a matter of time before an occasional slap turned into full on battery. Stefan did his best to protect her, but at 17, there wasn't a whole lot they could do unless Elena wanted to move back to Mystic Falls with her Aunt Jenna. Her parents had died years before in a freak break-dancing incident. Stefan's mom was a prostitute somewhere in Chicago... last they'd heard. Their dad was a mean drunk who made Damon look like a choir boy... albeit a violent one with Tourette's, but still. Giuseppe was worse. Stefan couldn't go home, and Elena wouldn't go without him.

"He was so drunk when he came home last night," the pretty brunette complained. "You were already asleep, but I'm sure you can guess what happened." Stefan's eyes darkened. Yes, he could imagine. He pulled Elena to him and kissed the top of her head, her arms winding around his waist. "I don't know how much longer I can take this. I just wish..." she sighed, her voice trailing off. Stefan pulled back to search her face for what she wasn't saying. "I just wish he didn't need me so much."

"He doesn't _need_ you," Stefan shot back. "He _wants_ you because he's a selfish prick. There's a difference."

"You know that he'll drink himself to death if I leave," she countered, melancholy evident in her tone. "If he even lets me leave."

Stefan's face hardened as he looked at her. "It's not your job to save him from himself, Elena," he said seriously. "He's 25. That's more than old enough to help himself. We're 17. We should be having fun with our friends. Going to casting calls. Modeling Italian boots. Starring on Broadway. Speaking at Comicon. Signing record deals. Vacationing in Aspen. You know: normal things," he said imploringly. "But instead, we sit around waiting on Damon to either snap or finally get his shit together... and you know which is more likely."

"I know," Elena said quickly. "I know, Stef." She patted his arm placatingly, rubbing his muscular biceps up and down. "He's going to the doctor next month, ok?" When recognition didn't register on his handsome face, she whispered conspiratorially, "For his... you know... _problem_."

Stefan's jaw locked as a darkness spread across the hard planes of his face. "Oh, you mean how he can't get it up?" Elena clapped a hand over his mouth. Pulling it away, he said, "There's nobody in here." He rolled his eyes and stepped back from her, exhausted with this conversation. The pretty brunette quickly followed after him and grabbed his elbow. He spun around to face her. "What do you want me to say, Elena?" he asked hopelessly. "You expect me to be happy he'll be able to fuck you again? Like it's not bad enough knowing you go down on him every time he snaps his fingers?"

"He only snaps his fingers when he's too drunk to talk!"

The hair model stared at her incredulously. "Would you listen to yourself?"

"He's your _brother_ , Stefan!" she reminded him angrily.

"And _your_ boyfriend." Scoffing, he mimicked washing his hands mid-air. "You know what? I'm done with this. You made your choice a long time ago." Resigned in his frustration, he turned to leave, but she was by his side in a flash.

"Stefan, please," she pleaded with him. "He needs me to get through this, ok?" She tried desperately to explain her own insanity, but he'd heard it all. He had no response. She took that as an invitation to continue rambling, and he immediately wished homework existed in this place as differential equations were less baffling than the woman he loved. "He'll get the pills, and he'll feel better about himself. Then, he can quit drinking, and he'll be okay without me," she promised emphatically. "And he isn't all bad. He has his good moments. He can be really sweet first thing in the morning before he has his first drink."

Stefan snorted, but this time he didn't pull away when she placed a gentle hand on his forearm. "Do you really believe the lies you tell yourself?" He just stared at her in utter disbelief as she shook her head.

"They're not lies. He's a good man... deep down," she qualified as she averted her eyes. Looking up at him, she caressed his cheek with her thumb. He leaned into her palm and closed his eyes. "We just need to get through this. Then you and I can be together. I promise. We just have to keep it on the down low, ok? Nobody has to know."

Stefan rolled his eyes when R. Kelly's song began to play in the background. "Really?" he asked the roof of the theater as he stared up, annoyed. He exhaled heavily before he began to sing in a smooth, deep voice. "Listen girl, you want me but he needs you. Yet you're tellin' me that everything is cool. Tryin' to convince me, baby, to do as you say. Just go along and see things your way, and keep it on the down low. Whispering nobody has to know."

Elena sighed at his pretty stolen words and leaned her head against his shoulder as he rocked them back and forth in a sensual slow dance. "We can keep it on the down low. Whispering nobody has to know," he repeated the iconic lines of the world's dirtiest cheater. "Secret lovers is what you wanna be. While making love to him, girl, you're silently calling on me."

"Umm... didn't we just establish that he can't do that?" Elena asked, eyes narrowing in confusion at the ill-fitting lyrics as the R&B song progressed.

Stefan ignored her as he continued his lullaby. "What is a man to do in a situation like this? I don't know. I don't know. I feel there is something that I don't wanna miss, So, I keep it on the down low. Girl nobody, nobody has to know. We can keep it on the down low. Nobody has to know." He pulled back and kissed her cheek. "Beautiful you are, but you're his by far. Comin' by my way drivin' his fancy car."

"We live in Manhattan, Stefan. Nobody drives here."

"Making plans to be in my life forever. Tell me, tell me that we'll always be together, and keep it on the down low. Nobody has to know," he serenaded as their bodies pressed against each other in time with the beat that came from nowhere in this strange, musical world. "We can keep it on the down low. Nobody has to know. Listen, babe, I won't whisper a word." She sighed in relief when a lyric managed to meet her expectations. "Nobody, nobody. How can you go so low, so low?" Ok, that one she didn't like. _Rude_. "Keep it on the down low. No, no, no nobody nobody nobody. Keep it on the down low. On the down low, baby. Nobody has to know," he finished before kissing her deeply, his tongue massaging hers.

The brunette hummed into his mouth before a horrifying thought hit her. Pulling back, she gasped, "Is this your way of saying you want to record yourself peeing on me so you can deny it later using the Shaggy defense?"

"What the actual fuck, Elena?" Stefan instantly moved away from her in disgust. When he saw the genuine concern on her face, he placated her. "No, obviously not," he promised with a dramatic eye roll. "This is me saying we can't let Damon find out."

"Oh, thank God." She released a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. Looking at him very seriously, she shared a painful truth while vehemently nodding her head. "I would have picked the drunk brother."

* * *

A/N I warned you it was a crack fic, right? Note: I am a survivor of domestic sexual assault. It is _not_ funny. I use satire to point that out. Please don't yell at me. If you have nice things to say, please tell me what you think!


	3. There Can Be No Happy Ending

A/N Welcome back to Heartbreak High! Thank you to the 3 or 4 of you reading this trash. I appreciate you! 

**Songs from This Episode**

98 Degrees – The Hardest Thing

Crystal Bernard – You're Gonna Miss a Whole Lotta Love

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**Episode Three – There Can Be No Happy Ending**

Davina was so shocked by her Instagram that she dropped her Xiaomi. "What's got you so spooked, love?" Klaus asked as he rescued her phone just before it smashed to the floor of his apartment the next morning. After hearing Brittany and Santana practicing their dances moves in the shower to a chorus of moans and slaps, she'd rushed out the door to have breakfast at her fake boyfriend's apartment only to find a horrifying number of notifications waiting for her. She unlocked the phone with her fingerprint and wordlessly handed it to him.

Klaus' face lost all humor it had once held at Davina's legendary clumsiness when he saw a black and white photograph of himself pressing Caroline up against the wall. Thankfully, whoever had been lurking in the theater hadn't been there ten minutes prior when he'd had her in the same position completely naked and writhing against him. The image had already been reblogged thousands of times with hundreds of horrible Klaus-hating hashtags. "Sue did this," he growled, his fingers closing so tightly against the phone that the glass nearly shattered before Davina pried it out of his hand.

The raven-haired popstar nodded her head in agreement. "I fucking hate her so much," she snarled, tongue dripping with hatred for her former coach. "What are we gonna do?"

Klaus barely looked at her as he pulled up Caroline's contact. "I'm telling Sue to go fuck herself," he said seriously. She answered on the first ring. He could tell she was in tears, meaning she'd already seen the photo and the horrible #Carolineisaslut hashtags blowing up Instagram. "Stop crying, sweetheart. I will fix this," he promised. Davina couldn't make out a word the blonde was saying even though Klaus had the volume on high. They talked for several minutes before he hung up, promising he would come clean.

Before he could open his mouth again, America's Sweetheart cut him off. "You can't."

Klaus glared at her grave expression. "The hell I can't, Davina," he spat. "I've been seeing her since we arrived in New York, and I'm in love with her. America is not going to hate you for being a lesbian, love," he said a little kinder, taking her hand. "This will be alright."

The pop princess pulled away and ran her fingers through her hair. Balancing her elbows on her knees, she buried her face in her hands and groaned. "No, it isn't." She rested her chin on her fists and looked at Klaus' sparking blue eyes, her heartstrings playing a melancholy melody in the music of her mind. "Mr. Schue has a friend in the industry named Enzo St. John."

"The agent?" Klaus asked curiously.

Davina nodded. "That's the one. After you got that text yesterday, Schue called him and he came to meet with me. He said Sue's right. If we come out, it will cost me my record deal with UMG. God, I never should have trusted Sue with the truth when she was my coach," she cried, voice full of angry regret.

"You had no way of knowing her LeCar was bugged," Klaus said comfortingly. "Although, I do agree that the cockroaches were a bit of a giveaway." He sighed, glaring out his window at Central Park as though the leaves themselves had offended him with their cheery presence in the balmy August morning.

"This guy, Enzo?" Davina sniffled, wiping away an angry tear. "He said it'll take a little time, but he can help get us out of this clean. He's a fixer."

"Like a repairman?" Klaus asked in confusion.

"No, like when Justin Bieber got a DUI, or when Britney shaved her head and attacked the paparazzi with an umbrella."

Nodding his head in understanding, Klaus added, "Or when Führer Trump forced half a million Tejanos be deported to Spain to make room for all those Russian Dreamers."

"SHHH!" Davina whispered harshly, clapping her hand down over his mouth. They both held their breaths when Aryan officers banged on the door, demanding to know who had spoken against the Führer. Luckily for the power couple, a few blocks away at a sushi restaurant, a 90-year-old Catholic great grandmother ordered roe for her husband of 71 years to celebrate the birth of their 47th grandchild. The officers had to rush away to make sure they weren't conspiring to bring back women's rights.

Davina looked at him sternly as he flashed her his charming dimples. "Your dimples will not get you out of life in prison if you get busted for treason," she snapped at him. They mutually rolled their eyes at the idiocy of their self-appointed monarch. Fortunately, he was easily distracted by women wearing diamond necklaces over their damaged vocal cords when he visited the oncology wing of his favorite detention center.

Klaus released a long-suffering sigh and turned to face his young friend. "How long does this Enzo guy think it'll take?"

She looked at him sadly as she showed him the email from the fixer. "Hopefully not much longer than a few months at most."

"Davina, I can't wait months!" he cried angrily. "I told Caroline I would take care of this _today_."

The young diva shook her head, quiet resignation filling both of their chests. "It's not gonna be today, Klaus." He could tell from her apologetic tone that she meant it. And that they were absolutely fucked.

"Sweetheart, you've been very good to me and my family, and for that I am deeply grateful," he said sincerely. "But if I don't come out, there's no way I'll be able to keep seeing her. The media is going to be all over this."

"I know." Grief tainted her beautiful voice. Mustering up her courage to look him in the eye, she swallowed her guilt long enough to tell him, "For the time being, you're gonna have to call it off." Knowing she was right, Klaus said nothing. He wordlessly got up and held open the door. Putting on their happy faces, the famed couple hailed a cab and entered the school through the underground garage reserved for students on the A-list.

Rockstars were sneaky bastards. Caroline had been trying to catch Klaus alone all day, but he was dodging her at every turn. She knew why when she caught his eye on their way to the glee room. He was wearing a cream-colored turtleneck sweater and olive drab baggy cargo pants. Her heart broke when she saw that his hair had been spiked and frosted. Although, she did wonder when he'd had time to get that done as she'd seen him across the courtyard ten minutes ago. Still, the message was clear: he had made his choice, and she was not Jessica Simpson.

Klaus dragged his boots to the front of the room as 98 Degrees' iconic 1998 power ballad began to fall off the instruments of the omnipresent orchestra. The nameless backup vocalists that always seemed to be hanging around danced behind the heartthrob in perfectly synced moves as the tragedy of a lifetime began.

"We both know that I shouldn't be here. This is wrong, and baby it's killing me. It's killing you, both of us trying to be strong. I've got somewhere else to be, promises to keep. Someone else who loves me and trusts me fast asleep," Klaus sang in his tenor tone, voice cracking with aching teenage angst. "I've made up my mind: there is no turning back. She's been good to me, and she deserves better than that." Caroline begrudgingly had to admit at least that wasn't a complete pile of crap. Davina had played along with their rouse for years now at the expense of her own sexual liberation.

"It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do: to look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you." That was absolutely true. This was just the worst thing in the history of _ever_. Seriously. No one had ever suffered such horrible misfortune. Had it been only his career on the line, Klaus wouldn't have hesitated to tell the truth about Caroline. "It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie: to show no emotion when you start to cry. I can't let you see what you mean to me when my hands are tied, and my heart's not free."

Choking back a sob, the rockstar connected his fiery oceanic gaze to her broken sapphire eyes. "We're not meant to be." Caroline's stomach dropped with the weight of sorrow heavy in her broken heart. "It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do: to turn around and walk away, pretending I don't love you." For once Klaus wished he had one of Kai's Bible straws to pray to that she would understand how much he hated this. "I know that we'll meet again. Fate has a place and time." Yeah, it was called tomorrow when they still went to the same school and shared the same friends. "So, you can get on with your life. I've got to be cruel to be kind. Like Dr. Zhivago, all my love I'll be sending, and you will never know 'cuz there can be no happy ending."

Caroline briefly wondered how Klaus knew about Russian doctors when they didn't have history classes. "It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do: to look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie: to show no emotion when you start to cry. I can't let you see what you mean to me when my hands are tied and my heart's not free. We're not meant to be." Before he made it to the refrain, the blonde wiped her eyes on her way out the door. Slamming it behind her, she cut around the corner to avoid the paparazzi swarming the edge of the school's property like vultures scavenging for the roadkill comprising the skeletal remains of her relationship.

Klaus and Davina were not as lucky as Caroline had been when they exited the building. A pack of photographers and would-be reporters circled them, haranguing them with question after question.

"What were you doing with Caroline Forbes?"

"Klaus, when did it progress beyond friendship?"

"Davina, how do you feel about Klaus sneaking around on you?"

"The world wants to know: Is Klavina over?"

"Klaus, who is she to you?"

Looking straight ahead to their waiting Towncar, Klaus wrapped a sheltering arm around Davina's tiny shoulders and held her close to his chest. She was like his little sister, and he did feel fiercely protective toward her... just not the way America thought. However, after a few thousand reblogs of their current situation, the world would rest assured that Klavina was still a thing. "She's just a friend with whom I go to school. That's all there is to know," he said firmly as he held the door open for his fake girlfriend.

The raven-haired beauty poked her head out the window after he crawled in the other side to snap at the vultures, "See? Klaus is all mine. She's nothing." As soon as the window rolled up, Davina turned to her fake boyfriend and burst into loud, angry tears at the shattered look on his broken face. He took her hand but turned away to stare blankly out the window as their driver left his heart behind.

" _Caroline Forbes: Nothing or Everything? An Inside Look at her torrid affair with teenage heartthrob Klaus Mikaelson."_

That was headline that greeted Caroline a few hours later when she finally got up the nerve to check her phone. She was hiding out in the back of The Abattoir. Most of the seniors were friends with the bar's owner, Cami. She was nice enough, but plain and rather dull. Klaus had once described her as vanilla pudding without the sugar. The rest of them had agreed that his assessment wasn't far from the truth. However, she wanted to fit in with the cool kids. As a result, she had very poor boundaries and couldn't defend her way out of a paper bag... meaning when she showed up, Cami didn't hesitate to unlock the back room and leave the morose teenager to sulk in peace.

Caroline found herself seated on the bench of a dusty old baby grand piano. Sighing, she began to tickle the ivory. "Who started this? I don't know." What? Yes, she did. They all knew who had started this. Evil Boca Raton reject. "You're already packed and ready to go. I hope she's worth it, after all we've been through. You're breakin' my heart, but I have to be strong. So, go right ahead. I'll get along. Just one thing you better know it's true: You're gonna miss a whole lotta love. You're gonna wish you had me back late at night when you're starin' at the stars above. You're gonna miss a whole lotta love."

The aspiring songster sniffled as she played the melancholy melody. "Will she hold you close like I used to do?" _Of course she won't,_ the teary-eyed blonde thought to herself as she reflected on Klavina's fake relationship. Why had this song come off her fingers again? "And think that look in your eyes is true? Does she believe those words you used to say to me?" Again, what words were these? None of them had ever lied to each other. This was that damn Sue Sylvester's fault! All of it! Hadn't she and Schue made their peace years ago? What was up with her constant fluctuation between ally and adversary?

"Do you even know how it makes me feel to watch you throw away the dreams we built?" Of course he did. His heart was breaking, too. While she knew that, it didn't help. "Well, I hope she's everything you ever need... cause you're gonna miss a whole lotta love. You're gonna wish you had me back. Late at night when you're starin' at the stars above: you're gonna miss a whole lotta love. You're gonna miss a whole lotta love," the heartbroken teenager sang mournfully as her fingers danced across the keys, plucking out the song she'd never heard before ten minutes ago.

Caroline's sweet soprano voice caught in her throat as she sang the refrain and final chorus. "There's no use wastin' words anymore. I know it's over. What are you waitin' for? Just remember: you're gonna miss a whole lotta love. You're gonna wish you had me back. When you're lying there starin' at the stars above, you're gonna miss a whole lotta love. You're gonna miss a whole lotta love." By the time her fingers stilled over the keys, the final reverberations of the strings were overpowered by the sounds of her gut-wrenching sobs.

Kai Parker quietly opened the door after giving her a few minutes to compose herself enough that his presence wouldn't upset her. He was very sensitive for a teenage boy. Without a word, he sat down beside her on the antiquated bench and silently placed a straw on the top of the piano. The tiny handwritten script was right at her eyelevel, making it easy to read the saintly words Kai had painstakingly added himself. "If ye have faith as a divine straw, ye shall say unto this wretched cotton: Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you."

Caroline had no idea what that meant, but she appreciated Kai's attempt to cheer her up. She politely forced a smile as she picked up the straw and pretended to soak in its ethereal wisdom. She knew from Kai's odd wardrobe choices that the Gemini had a thing against cotton. Everyone knew they had a strange obsession with plastic straws. Klaus had once warned her never to ask unless she had about twelve hours to spare for lessons of the scripture as translated by Ben Parker. Since she would rather donate a kidney to the cannibals hiding from Führer Trump in all the abandoned immigration offices, she politely smiled. "Thanks, Kai. This means a lot."

He nodded solemnly. He knew how helpful his gifts could be to those in dire need of ethereal comfort. After a long while, he shifted to face her on the wooden bench, propping himself on his elbow on the transparent plexiglass grand piano. It was a strange instrument. Inside was a sleeping wax replica of Aurora de Martel, a former graduate who had gone on to originate the role of Snow White and the Seven Vertically Challenged Americans before mysteriously vanishing for parts unknown. For some odd reason, nobody ever talked about where she'd gone or why she'd left. All that remained was a memory frozen in music. The piano had a habit of jumping across town, bouncing back and forth between here, their apartments and the school. They all supposed it was just one of those things.

Kai sighed as his own bad news flooded the sacred space of his mind. "My dad refused to renew his contract with Fox. They wouldn't send the hundred lobbyists he requested to Washington to advocate for the continued production of plastic straws," he shared sadly. "He wants to move us all back to that middle of nowhere house in Oregon. I hate that place." His intense dislike for all things Gemini was also well known to his inner circle. For whatever reason, he'd always felt different than the rest of his cult. He scratched at his ear, a habit they'd all noticed was becoming increasingly more frequent as time went on.

Caroline took his hand. Pain overtook them as they grieved their tortured lives at the unique instrument. Cults. Paparazzi. Sue. Why did all of these horrible things keep happening to them? She leaned her head on his shoulder and spoke from the bottom of her broken heart a sentiment with which they both agreed, "I wish life didn't have to be so hard."

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A/N Please leave me a review!


	4. How Sweet You Twist the Knife

A/N Welcome back to Crackfic High! To the four of you reading this trash, thank you! It's been fun revisiting this world. Enjoy your weekly dose of trash!

 **Song From This Episode  
** Taboo – Petrified

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**Episode Four: How Sweet You Twist the Knife**

September 2025

Life sucked. It had been three weeks since Klaus broke up with Caroline via choreographed boy band cover. Since the heartbreak of the century, she hadn't spoken more than a few words to him at a time. What she did say was entirely related to the glee club. He knew that he'd hurt her deeply with his beautiful and heartfelt rendition of the classic ballad, but didn't she understand that he was hurting, too? It wasn't easy fake dating a pop princess while constantly appearing on TV and radio shows to promote his album, "The Original Hybrid." He had obligations: club openings to endure in the VIP lounge, stylists swamping him with designer jeans and Henleys, dinner reservations at restaurants begging for an endorsement on Instagram. Life was hard.

Sighing, the troubled rockstar walked into the men's room in the middle auditorium where he'd gone to hide out when the English teacher quit via Twitter after Rachel told her the school's budget didn't have any room for printed novels. That's obviously what pirated mobi files were for. Why else would she have painstakingly emailed all the students links to the Play Store to download the free Kindle app? That was thirty seconds of her life the Tony-award-winning star of stage and screen was never going to get back.

Klaus gasped at the horrifying scene unfolding before his cornflower eyes. Kai was standing at the marble counter furiously attacking his inner ear with a q-tip made from Gemini forbidden cotton and blasphemous biodegradable plant matter. Bright red liquid Satan dripped down Kai's sinful ear, staining the collar of his white poly blend shirt. The spiritually torn teen was so engrossed in his auricle excavations that he didn't hear Klaus carefully approach him from the side. He gently lay a hand on his friend's black suit jacket and quietly asked, "Should I get someone to come help you, mate?"

Kai dropped the God forsaken materials and screamed, "I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! AHHHHHH!"

Before Klaus had time to process Kai's outburst, the Gemini reject had flown out the door, leaving the evidence of his suffering to stain the porcelain basin. Klaus' eyes widened in shocked horror when he peered down and saw a dozen bloody q-tips surrounded by tiny straws spattered with the same devilish disaster. Unlike Kai's signature gifts, these straws had been ripped apart and contained no Biblical assurances of life everlasting. This reeked of death and desperation. There was only one explanation: Kai was clearly abusing cocaine and using q-tips to remove damning residue from his ear canal lest anyone catch on to his sinful secret.

Fearing for Kai's safety, Klaus furiously ran about campus looking in every nook and cranny until he found his best friend silently crying in an abandoned dressing room. He was curled up on the couch with his agonized face buried in his arms as they rested folded across his knees. The older teenager sat next to him and eyed him suspiciously, unsure how to approach such a formidable opponent as cocaine abuse.

Despite how readily available alcohol and illicit substances were to the young chart topper, Klaus had a firm two-shot rule for liquor. He'd never done a drug a day in his life, nor had any of his friends or fake girlfriend. The only addict he'd ever known was his stepfather, Mikael. He'd been lost to a tragic bath salt incident after a brief business trip to Miami. He'd cannibalized the face of a proselytizing ecosexual and disappeared into the Everglades, never to be heard from again.

After half an hour, Kai finally pulled his puffy red face from his arms and looked to Klaus. The dirty blond singer couldn't help but wonder if Kai hadn't gone out and adopted an alien over the weekend. Only watching a loved one be dragged off to Führer Trump's extermination facilities – officially known as humane detention centers – could cause a look of such utter misery. It was a foolish venture upon which Kai had obviously embarked. Every American knew the dictator's unadulterated loathing for Martians.

Sniffling, the galactic sympathizer croaked, "The school refused to give in to my dad's demands to fund an offshore plastic straw factory."

"I'm so sorry, mate," Klaus gasped, sincere pain flickering across his pale features. Knowing this could mean only one thing, he choked out, "How long?"

Kai burst into a renewed bout of hysterical sobs. Klaus awkwardly patted his friend on the shoulder as he waited for the younger boy to collect himself once more. "His contract with Fox expires at the end of the year. We fly back to Portland New Year's Day," he said miserably. "He's called all Gemini families from around the world to meet us there. He plans to completely withdraw from society to preserve our bloodline. He says we have to put our faith in the power of the straw if we are to survive The Rapture."

Klaus nodded his head in understanding as he released an audible exhale through his nostrils. "He's a bit mad, your father," he said carefully.

"He's fucking nuts!" Kai exclaimed, jumping off the couch to pace around the dressing room. "There is NO Second Coming! Jesus ain't coming back, Klaus," he vehemently proclaimed, stepping around a pile of straws. "He flipped his shit after Luke came out of the closet." The rockstar's eyes widened in disbelief. This was the first time he'd ever heard Kai mention the name of his late little brother. He'd been strawed to death after confessing his homosexuality. Ben had told Klaus all about it during his brief stay in the Gemini apartment building. The rest of the cult were forbidden to speak of it. It had been a warning to the up and coming musician not to try and corrupt any of his children or followers with talk of sin. Considering Klaus' older sister, Freya, had married a woman with whom she now had twins, this had been his first clue that he was living perilously close to abyss of madness.

"He's already pissed that I haven't chosen a wife," Kai continued, anxiously pacing into hall. Klaus followed him to the adjacent sound-proof rehearsal room. Kai continued his rant as he circled the piano."He keeps telling me that I'm an abomination because I don't have any interest in the pious girls he keeps throwing at me. He tells me I'll go to hell if I don't start having children soon. You know what else that bastard told me?" he shouted as a scorching pain burned through his chest.

Klaus shook his head and shrugged. "No idea, Kai. Your father says a lot of crazy things. I stopped paying attention after he compared Caroline to Mary Magdalene."

Kai snorted and choked back a sob. "That's the understatement of the century. That sonofabitch told me that God will stop loving me!"

The teenage heartthrob scoffed and shook his head in passionate disagreement, carefully dodging the dozen straws that fell from the ceiling at the mention of the divine creator. "That's bloody ridiculous. Surely you must know that."

"Is it?" Kai asked pathetically as he sunk down on the leather padded piano bench. "I'm not like them, Klaus," he muttered under his breath. He'd known that his friend was different for a long time, but Kai had never admitted to anything before. "I don't want to have a bunch of baby Gemini. Not at sixteen – not at sixty." Their whole group knew that his disinterest in marriage and procreation with a _woman_ had nothing to do with piety, but after what had happened to Luke, they knew better than to push a confession. "I need God just as much as they do," he added petulantly, brushing away several straws from his thigh. "I hate the way they look at me. Like they know me. They don't know me," he continued, sniffling. "I don't even know me!" His voice suddenly echoed around the small room, startling them.

Klaus lead forward on his knees to look up at his friend from beneath his long lashes. "Yes, you do," he told his friend, nodding his head. "You know exactly who you are, and so do they. There is nothing wrong with you, Kai." When the troubled teen said nothing, he continued comforting him. "We all have secrets, alright? Even me." After a beat he added, "Especially me." Sighing, he leaned back into the plush couch.

"What do you think I should do?" Kai asked quietly.

Klaus shrugged. "That's up to you, but whatever you decide won't matter to the rest of us. We'll be here regardless of who you turn out to be," he assured his friend. "They're cowards, all of them. You don't fit into their little box, and that terrifies them. You can't live your life for your father, Kai," he said seriously. "You have to be your own person... whoever that might be."

Kai released a long-suffering sigh and hung his head. "I don't even know how to start," he whispered. "How am I supposed to tell my dad how much I hate... _straws_?"

If only that question had an answer. He thought about it for a few minutes before replying as best he could. "The first thing to do is take a look at your life." Kai's head shot up and Klaus immediately muttered an expletive under his breath as he realized his mistake. Was it even possible to have a conversation in this school without quoting some obscure Broadway musical? Before he had too much time to dwell on the oddities of Hudson High, he found a flute sitting on his lap. He had an overwhelming urge to pick it up and flawlessly play the opening of Philip Sallon's tragic solo from the New Romantic era.

Kai's fingers were magnetically drawn to the piano as he started to sing the gut-wrenching lyrics that so perfectly fit his mid-teen life crisis. "Hate the way you look at me: like you can tell so much about my life – my life. Assassinate so carelessly. So assured, how sweet you twist the knife. Don't you know I'm just a lot like you? I need all the Godly things that you do. When you're alone at night, do you run and hide? Are you strong inside? Are you full of pride, or just petrified?"

Maybe Klaus was right. Maybe Ben Parker was terrified – petrified – to have a son who wanted nothing to do with... straws. The older teen continued to play the woodwind instrument as Kai emotionally sublimated with the music of Boy George. "Hate the way you look at me, but I can see the terror in your eyes – your eyes. You pull the trigger. Your smile is sweet, but I don't care if we never meet. That's fine. It's alright. Don't you know I'm just a lot like you?" Well, perhaps not exactly like his straw-loving father... perhaps more like his mother... or sisters. "I need all the Godly things that you do. When you're alone, at night, do you run and hide? Are you strong inside? Are you full of pride, or just petrified?"

The music began to swell as Kai's voice began to crack. "When you're alone at night, do you run and hide? Are you strong inside? Are you full of pride? Or just petrified? Take a look at your life. Take a look in my eyes. Take a look at your life." He took in a deep breath and called upon his inner falsetto to viciously belt out, "Take a look in my EEEYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!" Klaus played the final bars in utter astonishment that Kai had managed to sustain the high note for a full 10 seconds. Audibly inhaling, the tormented teen cried out the final lines. "Take a look at your life. Are you petrified?"

Klaus slowly set down the flute. As soon as he looked away to face Kai, the silver instrument vanished as quickly as it had appeared. "This isn't really about straws is it?"

Kai wiped his eyes and took a long time to answer. He'd never told anyone his deepest, darkest secret. When he finally answered, it was barely a whisper as he hung his head and stared down at the traitor in his trousers. "This is about me hating my... straw." There it was: the painful truth. He'd said it. He waited with bated breath for Klaus' rejection... but it never came.

The rockstar nodded his head in understanding. He'd known Kai's feelings about straws since the first time they'd attended a runway show together and all Kai could talk about was the fabrics and colors decorating the model's bodies without mention of their flawless figures. "Well, if it's any consolation, you did Phillip Salon justice just now," he casually complimented as he dodged the subject, letting his friend off the hook for the time being.

"Somebody needed to after that blasphemer tainted his good name in Taboo," Kai replied with a glare.

Klaus rolled his eyes."Kai, Raúl Esparza is not a heretic for portraying an Evangelical con man in 'Leap of Faith.'"

"Do NOT talk to me about Judas Nightingale!" he spat venomously.

"JONAS Nightingale is a fictional character. Raúl was only acting," Klaus replied in exasperation. How many times did they have to have this conversation?

Casting his eyes to the side, Kai felt his shoulders deflate. He supposed they all had roles to play in one way or another. "Like you were acting when you said there was nothing going on with Caroline?" he asked quietly, the vitriol gone from his voice. The mention of his blonde lover's name struck Klaus in the chest like a lightning bolt of divine misery. His answer died in his throat. He just hung his head and nodded in shame. "I'm sorry about Sue," Kai said sincerely. It had been hard on all of them seeing Klaus and Caroline suffer, every day a struggle to survive their cruel fate.

It was a long time before either boy spoke. Klaus was the first to break the silence with a whispered, "I've no idea how to fix things with her."

Kai shrugged, as though this was very obvious. "Talk to her."

Klaus shook his head. "It's not that simple."

The youngest Gemini scoffed. "Yeah, it is," he said emphatically. Klaus' face hardened as he stared daggers at him. "Well, it's not like you have a problem with your straw," he explained in a rush. "You have somebody who loves you. You need to hold on to that, man. You don't want to end up like me."

Remembering the horrors of the men's room, Klaus snapped his head up. "Kai, cocaine is not the answer," he said with grim determination to save his friend from the clutches of addiction.

"What the actual fuck, Klaus," he exclaimed in confusion. "I'm not doing cocaine. What on earth gave you that idea?"

Klaus sat up, defensively crossing his arms over his well-toned chest. "I saw what you left in the bathroom, Malachi," he countered, shocking his friend by using his full name. "Do you honestly expect me to believe you weren't furiously scrubbing the evidence of your addiction with the very cotton condemned by your freaky little cult? What is it you all say about damnation at the hands of a plant?"

"'For he whosoever toucheth the Devil's plant shall reap naught but the airy breath of cotton-soaked damnation,'" he recited automatically. Kai sucked his teeth in complete outrage. "I cannot believe you went there, Niklaus," he said dramatically, tears springing anew.

"Oh, I went there," Klaus said with a matching head gesture that left Kai wondering if he was the only straw hater in the tiny rehearsal room. "Don't sit there and judge me when you're addicted to cocaine."

Kai rolled his eyes. "For the last time: I am not on cocaine!"

Klaus scoffed. "Well, you're on something. How else do you explain the q-tips?"

Without a word, Kai slammed the lid shut on the baby grand and stormed out of the auditorium.

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A/N Uh oh, Kai's secret's out! Please leave me a review to tell me what you think of this revelation. See you next week!


	5. You’ve Got to Hold It In

A/N Welcome back to trashcan high! This story exemplifies the term, "Write for yourself." To the three or four of you reading, thank you! Hope you enjoy your weekly dose of crack!

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**Episode Five – You've Got to Hold It In**

The next afternoon found Caroline wandering aimlessly through Central Park. Klaus had been watching her for hours from his balcony. She knew he could see her. He knew she knew he was watching. Sighing, he grabbed his pure white Les Paul custom electric guitar emblazoned with a golden Mikaelson crest. He leaned against the bricks and dramatically reflected on his shattered romance as she paced in the distance.

Klaus began singing Hanson's lyrics in time with the rocky beat as he strummed his electric guitar beneath suddenly long blonde hair. "Cause I need you. Cause I need you." Well, if that wasn't the understatement of the century. Klaus more than needed her. He was dying without her love. Drowning without her touch. No one in the history of ever had been in this much pain. He was sure of it. "Every single time I see you, I start to feel this way. It makes me wonder if I'm ever gonna feel this way again. There's a picture that's hanging at the back of my head. I see it over and over. I want to hold you, love you in my arms, and then I want to need you, 'cause I need to be with you 'til the end. Then I hear myself reply, 'You've got to hold it in this time tonight.'" That wasn't right. Sue was the one telling him to hold it in. What a load of crap. Evil bitch.

"If only I had the guts to feel this way; and if only you'd look at me and want to stay; and if only I'd take you in my arms and say, 'I won't go 'cause I need you.' Cause I need you." Suddenly, he found himself on stage surrounded by two nameless blonde backup boys. One was playing piano while the other passionately banged on the drums as a spotlight blinded Klaus. Before he had time to marvel at these new surroundings, he eagerly sang the second verse.

"I sit here waiting, wondering, hoping. Gotta make this right, 'cause all I think about is your hands, your face, and all these lonely nights. There's a feeling, screaming, in the back of my head. Saying over and over, 'Gonna hold you, love you, in my arms,' and then, 'Don't want to leave you, 'cause I need to be with you 'til the end.' Then I hear myself reply, 'She'll never let you in this time tonight, this time tonight.'" Sadly, he admitted to himself that that was probably true. He'd blown it when he'd let Sue dictate his romantic choices.

"If only I had the guts to feel this way; and if only you'd look at me and want to stay; and if only I'd take you in my arms and say, 'I won't go 'cause I need you.' Cause I need you." The repetitive chorus flowed from his vocal cords as Caroline stopped her pacing to mournfully gaze at him across the park now that he had returned to his balcony. "And if only I'd take you in my arms and say, 'I won't go, 'cause I need you. Please don't go, 'cause I need you now.' I want to hear you say, 'It'll always be this way.' We'll be hand in hand for every night and every day. I want to scream and shout, 'cause I'm losin' any doubt, and all I care about is you and me and us and now. Oh yeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"

Klaus violently strummed the steel strings as he belted out the final chorus. "If only I had the guts to feel this way; and if only you'd look at me and want to stay; and if only I'd take you in my arms and say, 'I won't go 'cause I need you.' Cause I need you. And if only I'd take you in my arms and say, 'I won't go, 'cause I need you. Please don't go, 'cause I need you now.'"

Caroline was far from Klaus' balcony, but she heard every word of his pop tragedy. She ducked her head as she swatted at the traitorous tears threatening her mascara. She was so engrossed in her eternal misery that she failed to notice the gorgeous Hispanic dance coach strutting up behind her in six-inch stilettos. "Oh, Barbie doll, please tell me you are not seriously standing in Central Park right now crying over a boy with homeless backup-dancer hair," she sassed as she shook her head in disappointment.

Caroline spun around to face Santana and sucked in a deep breath at the older woman's offensive phrasing. "I am NOT a Barbie, ok?" she said with a dramatic roll of her crystal blue eyes. "I have nothing to say. So, don't even go there." When Santana opened her mouth, Caroline cut her off. "Seriously. Don't."

The hot dancer scoffed at the young blonde, tossing her silky black hair over her bare shoulder. In the most un-teacherlike outfit Caroline had ever seen, Santana was wearing an off-the-shoulder lavender crop top and distressed black capri skinny jeans with decorative zippers in random places, half of her toned abs on display above her black Manolos. "Honey, no," she said firmly. "This is _not_ how this is going down. You are going to go out and find the hottest guy you can. Then you're gonna fuck his brains out. K?" she asked cheerily. Problem solved. Score one for Santana.

Caroline looked at her aghast, jaw dropping to the grass beneath their heels. "What the hell, Santana?" she snapped. "Is that what you did when you were my age?" The young blonde held her hands on her shapely hips as she stared at her teacher incredulously.

Without even blinking, the dancer immediately replied, "Yes." Caroline looked around to see if she was on candid camera. When she realized she wasn't, she turned back to her apparently once very slutty teacher. Santana just shrugged. "Yep. That happened. Pretty much fucked the entire teenage hetero male population of Lima before I accepted sweet lady love," she said fondly as she flashed back to all the times she'd ducked out to be with her gorgeous wife. Seeing the unamused look on the young girl's pretty face, she rolled her dark chocolate eyes. "Ok, fine," she conceded. "If you're stuck on moony eyed rockstar boy over there," she snarked with a nod towards Klaus' balcony, "then you need to get his attention. See where I'm going with this?"

Caroline screwed up her face in confusion, shaking her head side to side. "No, not even a little bit."

If Santana had to roll her eyes one more time, she was pretty sure she was going home with a migraine. She reached down into her Kate Spade purse and handed Caroline a tube. "Take this." Turning the blonde around, she pointed at Stefan sitting on the edge of a stone fountain. "Go there." With a shove, she sent the blonde on her way across the park.

Stefan looked up from his phone and smiled at her with tired eyes. He'd been up late listening to Damon scream at Elena half the night. The rest of it was spent comforting her after his brother finally drank himself to sleep yet again. Caroline smiled apologetically and mouthed, "I'm sorry." Before he had a chance to open his mouth, she was straddling him on the edge of a fountain in Central Park. Without another word, she pulled his arms around her waist and leaned down to put her ample breasts at eye level. As soon as she heard the tell-tale clicking of shutters, she squeezed gel into her hands and began styling his hair. She quickly planted a kiss to his cheek just in time to get caught on camera. She gasped dramatically when the paparazzi swarmed closer and closer, lights flashing all around as Santana walked away with a satisfied smirk plastered across her well-glossed lips.

The next morning when Caroline walked into Starbucks, Stefan was waiting for her with a very unamused expression on his handsome face. She'd already seen it of course, but she humored him by taking his outstretched phone to look over Instagram. It had taken less than an hour for the internet to flood the hashtags with the name of their ship. By the time TMZ's nightly news came on, bright red letters at the bottom of the screen broadcast the words: "Steroline Like It Wet: Hero Hair Leaves It in with High School Hottie."

Caroline grimaced at the stern look her boy BFF was giving her. "You do realize this did not go over well at home, right?"

The high school hottie had the good sense to look bashful when she replied, "I talked to Elena last night... she didn't seem that pissed. How mad is she really?"

Stefan scoffed, sipping his iced triple grande three-pump raspberry breve latte through a biodegradable straw. " _She's_ fine," he said emphatically. "Damon's the one whose got his ponytail in a twist about it."

Caroline threw up her hands and rolled her eyes in utter exasperation. Stefan's hand darted forward to catch her iced quad tall breve raspberry white mocha macchiato just before it fell off their tiny table in the crowded café. "With all his paranoia about you and Elena, you think he'd be glad I did your hair," she pouted with a scowl.

Stefan handed her back her drink and she took it gratefully, sucking down half of it before slamming the plastic cup down between them. "You know how much he hates that I'm a model when he tends bar in that slummy strip club," he reminded her as she nibbled her pumpkin loaf. Taking a bite of his bacon gouda sandwich, he added around a mouthful, "And it isn't really paranoia if he's right. Since you obviously let the curling iron fry your brain long enough to make yourself think that taking advice from Santana Lopez-Pierce was even remotely acceptable, you may have forgotten that Elena and I have been plugging our blow dryers in the same outlet for a while now."

Caroline narrowed her eyes and made a face at him. "I am well aware of your mutual affection for hot oil." After a moment, she added in a conspiratorial whisper, "I hope you've been using a surge protector there, bud."

"I know when it's time to turn off the heat lamp, thanks," he sassed, biting his cheek to keep from losing it. They were fiercely competitive when it came to hair puns.

The blonde singer tutted and sucked her teeth at him, gnawing on her lower lip to maintain her façade as giggles threatened to explode from her chest. "Yeah, so did Kai's parents before they ended up with a case of hot rollers."

"They knew what they were doing when they opened a salon," Stefan retorted before they both burst into laughter. He leaned forward and ruffled her hair good naturedly.

Sighing, she sipped her raspberry espresso. "I'm just so tired of this, you know? You're all playing for the other team while I'm stuck in the bleachers watching Klaus hit a homer."

Stefan chuckled at her new line of metaphors. "Well in all fairness, Carebear, if Davina's a lesbian, I'm pretty sure he isn't scoring any runs."

"Seriously?!" she snipped with a massive roll of her bright blue eyes. "Don't defend that sleezeball!"

"Caroline, you were dating Tyler Lockwood when you started sleeping with Klaus and he's been fake dating Davina for years," he pointed out, setting his empty cup on the table. "You know what'll happen if Sue squeals."

"Yeah, my whole life sucks because Coach Sylvester hates him for having dark blonde curly hair!" she groaned miserably, burying her head in her hands.

"She's a hateful person," he agreed, carefully smoothing out a few strands in his well styled hero hair.

"But it's so stupid! How can anyone NOT know Davina is gay? Remember when she sang, "I Kissed a Girl," and literally kissed a girl?" Caroline groaned in aggravation as she propped her chin on her hands, elbows supporting her on the table. "Not to mention her freshman honor's project was, 'Cool for the Summer,' complete with dance moves choreographed by her married female guardians."

The hair model rolled his eyes. "That was a project for high school. Don't overreact."

"The video aired on MTV!"

"I don't think Davina is too happy about the situation either," Stefan said as his cell phone buzzed. He pulled it out of his pocket and saw that he had a text from Elena.

"Davina is as bad as he is," she countered aggressively. "Neither of them has the balls to tell Sue to shove it up her Adidas," she said petulantly. "You, Davina, and Elena all need to start fessing up. It'd make life a hell of a lot easier for the rest of us if everyone stopped sneaking around like last year's Manolos."

"As much as I enjoy sandal faux pas first thing in the morning, I've gotta run," he said distractedly as he tucked his phone away and picked up his backpack.

"Is she ok?" Caroline asked, concern evident in her tone.

"Damon just dropped her off. I guess he screamed at her when she couldn't get his equipment running," he said evasively.

Picking up her bag, Caroline snipped, "Oh, you mean he couldn't get it up? So, he blamed her for his limp dick again?"

Stefan glared at her as he held open the door, the sounds of the city blossoming all around them. "I was trying to be discreet, but yeah."

Caroline sighed and pulled out her phone to text Elena that they would be there soon. She wrapped her arm around Stefan's and patted his bicep for the prying eyes of hiding paparazzi. She whispered in a comforting tone, "Come on. Let's go get your girl."

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A/N Please leave me a review if you're enjoying this dumpster fire.


	6. Her Power Will Defy You

A/N Welcome back to Crackfic High, where the plot makes no sense and everything's in music. Thank you to the four of you reading this. Fair warning: there is a brief scene of domestic violence depicted in the final lines of this chapter. Skip it if that's a trigger for you. Enjoy the show!

 **Songs From this Episode**  
Idina Menzel - Heart On My Sleeve  
Naomi Scott - Speechless

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**Episode Six – Her Power Will Defy You**

America's Sweetheart was _pissed._ Davina stormed into Sue's office uptown after skipping out on Geometry when the teacher explained they didn't have room in the budget for calculators. She threw down the latest tabloids on her desk and growled, "I've had enough of your shit."

As usual, Sue Sylvester was dressed in an Adidas track suit, this time royal blue with matching shoes and a whistle around her despite not having been a cheerleading coach in years. Some habits were hard to break. One such habit being that, despite the many times she'd redeemed herself, Sue always managed to return to her role as the villain of the story. However, as far as Davina and Klaus were concerned: once a villain, always a villain. Who believed in redemption anyway? It wasn't as though the two teenagers had murdered a whole bunch of people and then moved on as if nothing had happened.

Sue folded her newspaper in half and took off her rectangular glasses. She kicked her Nikes off the desk and folded her hands across her belly, a bemused expression on her wrinkled face. "Something the matter, Miss Claire?" she asked in a condescending tone of faux bewilderment.

Davina picked up the tabloids and threw them against the far wall, shocking Sue that America's Sweetheart had suddenly grown a backbone. She may have been tiny and sweet, but she was not to be underestimated. She would burn the world to ash given the chance. "This is all your fault. I am _sick_ of you ruining everything you touch," she spat venomously.

"Me?" the former Vice President quipped innocently. "Well, I'm not the one hiding at the end of the rainbow to keep my fake boyfriend on top of the charts. You have a morality clause to think about, my dear."

"I'm working with Enzo St. John, Sue," the tiny songster announced triumphantly. The older woman's face dropped, filling Davina's chest with glee, mirth sparkling in her mahogany eyes. "Yeah, you heard me right. Enzo tells me that morality clauses don't apply to sexual orientation. You're finished, you vicious old harpy. Go back to Boca Raton."

"Go back to the armpit of America? I don't think so, D," she said admonishingly. "I never said it applied to you being a lady licker, but it does apply to you lying to America to get Klaus Mikaelson to the top of the charts. Ask your little friend if you don't believe me." Her evil smile dripped with smug satisfaction.

"He's a rockstar with or without you, and he's got a new single dropping next week," Davina sassed. "Do you really think America is going to turn on the hottest guy in music because you tell them to? I'd like to see you try," she snarled. "You'll be the one who disappears when everyone finds out just what kind of a monster you really are."

Sue got up from her chair and stalked over to the pop princess. Pressing a finger to her chest, the aging bully threatened, "One word from me and neither you nor that British mophead will ever see the inside of a studio again. I'm the one who got you where you are. I'm the one who can take it all away. Without me, you and your boy toy are nothing, and nothing is all you'll have once I strip away the fancy clothes and your record deal. You won't even have a home to go back to. How long do you think Brittany and Santana will keep you around once you're not worth the Jimmy Choos you're wearing?"

Davina ripped Sue's finger off her sternum and bent it backwards. Growling at the old woman, she gritted out between clenched teeth, "You go ahead and do what you need to do, Sue. I'd rather be broken and penniless than spend one more second with you." With that, she stormed out of her nemesis' fancy office.

The junior got all the way to the stairwell before breaking down, falling to the first step with her head between her knees. As was often the case in this strange world, music softly began playing in the background. Davina sniffed as she felt the lyrics to Idina Menzel's powerful ballad spring to the forefront of her mind despite never having heard the song a day in her life.

The raven-haired beauty pulled her hands behind her neck, her eyes bloodshot as she fought the angry tears in her eyes from falling down her flushed cheeks. "She will never be invincible. She will never be some Florence Nightingale," she silently serenaded herself. "Her threshold's invisible, but she'll hang on like hell. She may be transparent. She's got no defenses to speak of, but she'll stand here before you with no pride or prejudice; just steadfast and certain that she'll land on her own two feet."

Davina stood and slowly walked down the stairs, suddenly finding herself on top of the Empire State Building. She wrapped her tiny fingers around the chain link fence surrounding the top of the viewing area and sang into the sun. "You'll think you can break her cause you think that she's crazy and weak, but her power will defy you when she wears her heart on her sleeve." She wiped away a stray tear as she felt strength well up in her chest.

The teenage popstar slowly walked over to the side of the building and sat down with her back to the wall, pulling her hair behind her neck as she reflected on the choices that led her to this moment. "She will never learn your tranquility. She will never learn how to let things slide. Her joy overwhelms her and her sorrow won't subside. She may be transparent. She's got no defenses to speak of, but she will stand here before you with no pride or prejudice." She got to her feet and raised her chin at the city that never sleeps. "Just steadfast and certain that she'll land on her own two feet. You'll think you can break her cause you think that she's crazy and weak, but her power will defy you when she wears her heart on her sleeve."

As the song continued to build, Davina found herself standing in Sue's office. She stood right next to the angry old woman, but Sue couldn't see her, as often happened around here. She typed away on her laptop, viciously going back and forth with Enzo via Facebook messenger. Davina's voice cracked as she belted out, "Oh, you may condemn me with your bitter words and untouchable rage. You may torment me cause I don't lead my life in your way."

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Davina looked down at her bitter rival and quietly sang the next few lines, no tears left as she held her head up high. "But I will stand here before you with no pride or prejudice; just steadfast and certain that I will land on my own two feet." She walked out to Sue's massive balcony overlooking the twinkling lights of the city. She inhaled a deep breath and turned to face the blonde woman only to find she was now singing under a lone spotlight center stage in the largest of Hudson's auditorium. She steeled herself to powerfully finish up the final lines. "You'll think you can break me; bring my head down to my knees; but my power will defy you when I wear my heart on my sleeve."

Davina's chest was heaving and her whole body tingled with raw power when the spotlight faded as the house lights came on like magic. By the time she'd caught her breath, she realized she wasn't alone in the auditorium. Elena was sitting in the wings with her back to the wall, tears streaming down her cheeks. The younger girl walked over and sat down next to her, taking her hand while the crying receded.

"You wanna talk about it?" Davina asked quietly, handing her friend a tissue.

Elena gratefully took the tissue and cleaned herself up a bit. "D-Damon got the p-prescription this af-afternoon," she sputtered with a hiccup, eyes puffy and nose runny. Turning to the younger girl, she added, "But the ph-pharmacy did-didn't have all of th-them. So, h-he's really m-mad."

Davina patted her well-manicured hand sympathetically. Elena wasn't making headlines, but she'd gotten a contract last spring with Estee Lauder for their new line of nail polish, making her hands more well-known than her face. Unfortunately, Damon had control of her bank account, meaning most of her earnings went to porn, booze and gambling debts. "I get it." She sighed, leaning her head against the older girl's shoulder. "Bullies suck."

Elena sniffed and looked over at the superstar. "Yeah, I guess Damon isn't all that different than Sue when you think about it."

"Mmmhmm," Davina hummed her agreement. "They should hook up with Kai's dad and start a club for assholes," she said angrily. Elena nodded and dabbed at her eyes with a fresh tissue. "But you know what I just did?" Looking at her friend curiously, the hand model shrugged. "I told Sue that I'd rather go back to being nobody than spend one more second with her shriveled up wrinkly old lady ass,." She confidently nodded her head at Elena's shocked expression. "Damon isn't worth the tears you're wasting on him. He's nothing but a woman-hating piece of shit with nothing better to do than pick on teenage girls who'd be better off with teenage boys," she said with a knowing smirk reminiscent of her fake boyfriend. Were there any secrets in this town? It was like their lives were constantly following a poorly written script for some overly-dramatized teenage soap musical.

Elena's eyes widened at Davina's implication, but she neither confirmed nor denied anything about her illicit activities with a certain hair model. Stefan had been adamant all along that no one except Caroline could ever know about them. "What do you think I should do about Damon?" she asked evasively, turning her head away to hide the truth on her face.

Davina stood up and held out her small hand for her friend. "Come on. You need to do what everybody does around here." The brunette took her hand and followed her to center stage where a plexiglass grand piano was now conveniently located. The oversized instrument was completely transparent, the beautiful redheaded graduate suspended motionless above the strings. She'd disappeared after winning a Tony Award for Best Leading Actress in a Musical. No one had seen or heard from her since. The piano had shown up the next day. How it made its way back to the school from The Abattoir was anybody's guess and nobody's concern. "You need to sing."

Elena sighed and stepped in front of a microphone stand as Davina started to play

Jasmine's empowering ballad from "Aladdin." She took a deep breath to center herself before digging down deep for her inner tigress. "Here comes a wave meant to wash me away; a tide that is taking me under. Swallowing sand, left with nothing to say; my voice drowned out in the thunder." How was it that lyrics always fit their situations so perfectly? Elena knew all about having no voice after years of tolerating Damon's harsh words and drunken rages, his frequent apologies and romantic gestures doing nothing to ease her nightmares. It probably should have occurred to her 14-year-old self that dating a 20-year-old wasn't a great idea, but she was never the mintiest Altoid in the tin.

"But I won't cry, and I won't start to crumble whenever they try to shut me or cut me down." Davina paused her fingers over the keys as Elena internally steeled herself to be brave, even though the two girls were alone in the giant auditorium. "I won't be silenced. You can't keep me quiet. Won't tremble when you try it. All I know is I won't go speechless. Cause I'll breathe when they try to suffocate me. Don't you underestimate me, cause I know that I won't go speechless."

Elena's voice died in the air when Damon slowly stalked up the center aisle. Davina's fingers abruptly stopped playing when she saw the look in his bloodshot eyes, the strong smell of alcohol on his breath wafting to her from where he stopped several feet away. He was nose to nose with his girlfriend, who visibly gulped when he mocked in a menacing tone, "Interesting song choice, Buffy."

"It's just an assignment for Mr. Schue," she replied dismissively, quickly leaning in to kiss him on the cheek, careful to avoid what was surely the taste of vomit on his tongue.

Knowing her reasoning all too well, Damon roughly grabbed Elena by the hair and shoved his foul tongue down her throat, his taste choking her. "I don't want to hear that shit again," he said with a harsh growl. She nodded her head meekly, wisely holding her tongue. "You've rehearsed enough for today. I got a fun night planned." His devious smirk made her spine chill.

"Yeah, maybe fun for you," Davina snarked under her breath.

Elena swiftly wrapped her arms around Damon's neck and pulled him in for another kiss before he could react to the younger girl's comment. "Sounds great," she lied smoothly with a practiced smile.

The older drunk glared between the two girls. He locked his elbow with Elena and harshly tugged her to the exit, their bodies disappearing under the twilight. As Davina watched him drag her away, she pulled out her Mi. Quickly typing in Enzo's number, she held the phone to her ear as it rang. He answered with a greeting in his smooth British accent. Before he could finish asking what was up, she cut him off with, "Enzo, listen to me. I know what we need to do. Meet me in your office first thing in the morning. I have a plan."

* * *

Elena lay on Damon's chest until long after he'd passed out from bad sex and cheap bourbon. He'd never been a good lover, but tonight he'd been in an especially foul mood. Her body bore the evidence of his displeasure, bright red scratches and bite marks marring her otherwise pristine skin. She wrapped a dark green sheet around her torso, letting it cover her legs as she got up from the bed, careful not to disturb his drunken slumber. She checked her phone and saw a new wave of hashtags on Instagram promoting Steroline. They were the most absurd and forced ship in the world, but she still felt her heart wrench at the sight of their many idiotic followers. Sighing sadly, she set it down and walked out to the balcony.

The music of Aladdin picked up faintly in the background as she closed the glass door behind her. When she sang, it was barely a whisper, her voice long since stolen from her throat. "Written in stone: every rule, every word, centuries old and unbending. 'Stay in your place. Better seen and not heard.'" She looked back at Damon, reflecting on how she'd gotten here. Everyone kept telling her it would only get worse, but she didn't believe them. As bad as he was, he'd never really hurt her. At least, not physically... but how bad was she going to let things get before _enough_ became _too much_? How long would it take his self-esteem to return now that he had his coveted Viagra? Her excuses were wearing as thin as her love for the man he'd been before his condition stole his inner light.

The young brunette turned to face the city and inhaled a deep breath as she considered her options. She wanted nothing more than to be free of this life. She longed to be in Caroline's shoes, although she did know there was nothing more to her relationship with Stefan than a few headlines. She wanted the lies to stop. There was only one thing for her to do: sing.

Singing seemed to solve everything around here.

Elena straightened her shoulders, holding the sheet up around her breasts as she sang with growing passion. "Well, now that story is ending, cause I cannot start to crumble. So, come on and try; try to shut me and cut me down." Turning to face Damon, her voice rang out over the music, "I won't be silenced. You can't keep me quiet; won't tremble when you try it. All I know is I won't go speechless, speechless. Let the storm in. I cannot be broken. No, I won't live unspoken, cause I know that I won't go speechless. Try to lock me in this cage. I won't just lay me down and die. I will take these broken wings and watch me burn across the sky!"

When she reached the climax of the song, angry tears ran down her cheeks as she wept for all that had been taken from her, and for all that she'd never had. Turning back to the city, she reached down to the bottom of her diaphragm and projected her voice. "Hear the echo saying, 'IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII won't be SSIILLLEEEENNNNNCCEEEEDDDD.' Though you wanna see me tremble when you try it. All I know is I won't go speechless. SPEEEECHLEEESSSSS! Cause I'll breathe when they try to suffocate me! Don't you underestimate me!" she belted, briefly looking back at Damon before finishing the song, her voice carrying into the twinkling lights. "Cause I know that I won't go speechless. All I know is I won't go speechless! SPEEECHLEEEESSSS!"

Elena gasped when she turned to find a very angry Damon standing behind her, her chest heaving from the strength of the resolve that now abandoned her as she trembled before him. She opened her mouth to speak, but he yanked her to him by the hair and growled in her face, "I thought I told you I didn't like that song."

"Damon, I-" she began, but at that moment, he slapped her hard across the face, sending her sprawling to the concrete floor of the balcony. Her hand flew to her cheek as fresh tears spiraled down from her stinging mocha eyes. "Damon, please!" she shouted when he pulled back his bare foot. The last thing she remembered was his toes connecting hard with her belly before everything faded in a blur.


	7. Should've Picked Honesty

A/N Welcome back to crackfic high! Thank you to those five of you reading this. I'm glad you're enjoying this as much as I am. We're in the second half of the story now. I hope you like where it's going! And yes, I agree that Damon is a piece of shit. enjoy!

* * *

**Episode Seven: Should've Picked Honesty**

October 2025

"What the actual fuck?!" Davina griped angrily when she checked her Mi A25.

"What's wrong, love?" Klaus asked, his voice nearly drowning in the din of The Abattoir's traditional karaoke hour (that really lasted all night). The A-list couple had come to relax and blow off some steam after several miserable weeks of dodging paparazzi, and Sue's minion, Becky, with her iPhone XX camera. As his hair grew longer, Sue's temper raged harder.

"Elena bailed on us _again_ ," the teen popstar pouted with a huff. At that moment, Klaus felt his phone buzz. Pulling it out, she saw his handsome face harden and his dimples disappear beneath his dark blond stubble. "What is it?" she asked quietly, although she already knew the answer. When he didn't respond, she inhaled slowly before pressing, "Did Kai get passed the doorman?"

"No," he answered with a menacing glare at the city outside the large glass wall of the tacky horror-themed bar, the view partially obstructed by a large sarcophagus no one seemed to notice looked exactly like both Elena and Elijah's wife, Kat. The resemblance was uncanny, but Kat was from Bulgaria. There couldn't possibly be any relation unless it went back centuries. "He climbed up the fire escape and found her hiding in his bedroom." He inhaled a deep breath before casting his topaz eyes to her chocolate depths. "There was blood on her shirt, Davina."

The tiny songbird's eyes flashed dangerously; she quickly sucked down her crimson blood bag of white-cran-strawberry juice and tossed it over her shoulder, accidentally hitting the bartender, Cami, in the face. "This can't go on. I've had enough of this shit." Listing each of her grievances on her perfectly manicured fingers, she counted, "I've had enough of Sue and her bullshit threats. I've had enough of Kai and his crazy father. I've had enough of you and Caroline going at it with Stefan caught in the middle when we all know damn well that she's never touched his comb. And more than _anything_ ," she snarled, "I have had _ENOUGH_ of Damon fucking Salvatore and his _goddamn_ Viagra obsession!"

Klaus lay a comforting hand on hers, offering up a little squeeze. "I know, D. I agree, but what can we do about it? Our hands are tied," he said in exasperation as he thought back on Sue's morning bitch text telling him to have laser hair removal on his entire scalp.

"Like hell they are!" Davina's bubblegum voice was a fierce growl. "Someone has to be the first to take a stand, and that someone is me." She ferociously snarled her declaration as she rose to her tiny feet. "Right here. Right now."

Klaus grabbed her by the elbow as she stomped off to the stage. "Sweetheart, you can't," he warned under his breath. "It'll be the end of your contract with UMG."

Davina ripped her elbow away from him and resolutely informed him, "I don't care." The fierce lionheart strutted to the small platform that served as a stage and snapped her fingers into the mic as she knew how much audio engineers hated when anyone tapped it. "Listen up, all you paparazzi hiding in the corners pretending you aren't the filthy snoops we all know you are. Get out your nanny cams and pay attention, because Davina Claire has something to say," she vehemently announced as Selena Gomez's song began to play in the background of the crowded club.

The brave raven-haired young woman swayed her hips, making love to the microphone stand as she sang in the sultriest voice a fifteen-year-old could muster, "You got me sippin' on something I can't compare to nothing I've ever known. I'm hoping that after this fever I'll survive. I know I'm acting a bit crazy. Strung out, a little bit hazy. Hand over heart, I'm praying that I'm gonna make it out alive." She took the mic out of the stand and stalked down the few steps to the dance floor. "The bed's getting cold and you're not here. The future that we hold is so unclear, but I'm not alive until you call; and I'll bet the odds against it all. Save your advice 'cause I won't hear. You might be right but I don't care. There's a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants. The heart wants what it wants." As she sang, she slowly seduced every young girl she could find, running her hands along their shoulders and whispering the lyrics in their diamond-studded ears.

"You got me scattered in pieces; shining like stars and screaming; lighting me up like Venus, but then you disappear and make me wait, and every second's like torture. Hell over trip, no more so, finding a way to let go. Baby, baby, no, I can't escape." Finding a particularly attractive and responsive sycophant, the famed pop star wrapped the girl's arms around her from behind, her hips rolling in time to the music against the girl's lower belly. "The bed's getting cold and you're not here. The future that we hold is so unclear, but I'm not alive until you call; and I'll bet the odds against it all. Save your advice 'cause I won't hear." She leaned back against the girl and pulled her head closer with an arm wound into her hand so she should lick the shell of her ear. "You might be right but I don't care. There's a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants." She turned to the older girl and wrapped one arm around her neck, her other tiny hand wrapped around the microphone. "The heart wants what it wants. The heart wants what it wants. The heart wants what it wants." As the chorus ended, Davina passionately connected her strawberry lips to the other girl's, the crowd cheering as they grinded together on the dance floor.

"This is a modern fairy tale: no happy endings, no wind in our sails, but I can't imagine a life without breathless moments breaking me down, down, down, down," she sang, her lips grazing the other girl's mouth as they moved around the floor, camera flashes dancing around them like strobe lights. "The bed's getting cold and you're not here. The future that we hold is so unclear, but I'm not alive until you call, and I'll bet the odds against it all. Save your advice 'cause I won't hear. You might be right but I don't care. There's a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants." Again, Davina pressed her mouth to the faceless teenager as she catapulted herself out of the closet for the whole world to see. "The heart wants what it wants. The heart wants what it wants. The heart wants what it wants. The heart wants what it wants, baby. It wants what it wants, baby. It wants what it wants." She kissed her deeply this time and with a lot of very visible tongue. She slowly made her way back up to the stage to finish the final chorus. "It wants what it wants. The heart wants what it wants, baby. It wants what it wants."

By the time the music faded, Davina had the microphone back in its stand, a spotlight shining on her center stage. She spoke confidently into the mic, "Listen up guys! I have an announcement." She waited for the cheers to die down before continuing, "I've been hiding the truth for a long time, and for all the wrong reasons. That ends today." Turning to her fake boyfriend, she held his gaze and said, "Klaus, you know I love you, but I am not _in_ love with you. For that, I am sorry to you, but only to you." The crowd whooped, whistled and cheered the teen on as she proudly faced the masses and told America, "What I will not apologize for is for being honest about who I am." She sucked in a deep breath and steeled herself to confess the truth, "My name is Davina Claire, and I am a lesbian."

The celebratory atmosphere was infectious, the only smile wider than Davina's belonging to Klaus. Clapping his hands as loudly as he could, he strutted up to her side. He tossed an arm around the young girl and spoke directly into the microphone, his charming dimples dazzling the crowd. "It's about damn time she said it, right guys?" he asked, gesturing to the crowd as they continued to cheer. Turning to her, he said proudly, "Davina, I love you, too; and you will always be my sweetheart." Tucking a black tendril behind her ear, he smiled at her tenderly for the cameras and finished, "But the heart wants what it wants." She wrapped her arms around his neck as he picked up her tiny frame and spun her around while the crowd went wild.

* * *

Becky Jackson sat on Sue Sylvester's red leather couch as she watched her mentor scream at the top of her enraged lungs. Furniture flew and picture frames shattered in time with deafening operatic vocals blasting in the background from sources unknown. The older blonde may have been shouting words, but her booming voice was reduced to an incoherent garble as TMZ's morning news ticker broadcast the words: "The End of Klavina: America's Sweetheart Rides the Rainbow!"

Sue's tantrum was so fierce that she was oblivious to the sound of sharp knocks on her office door. Becky rolled her eyes at the former Vice President and opened it herself. No wonder the Führer didn't want her around. There was room for only one giant baby in Washington. Standing there with a satisfied smirk was the lesbian herself. She gently pushed passed the lovable Handicapable woman and laughed at Sue's fury inches from her crimson face. "You won't get away with this, missy! You are finished! FINISHED!" she screamed at the young girl who continued to smirk at her.

"That's why I'm here, Sue," Davina said happily. She tossed a stack of papers at the ravaging savage and laughed when the older woman dropped half of them. "This afternoon, the story will break that UMG and I mutually agreed to terminate my contract. I'm free!" she shouted brightly, throwing her arms out to the side and spinning around dramatically.

Sue snarled triumphantly. "Only an idiotic little girl would consider failure a victory," she growled menacingly. "You'll go back to being a backwoods nobody with nothing and no one."

Davina shook her head side to side, her long black hair elegantly moving with the swaying of her shoulders as she held her head up high. "No, Sue, I won't. I don't need people to kiss my ass to feel good about myself like you do. I am not the loser here," she said proudly, crossing a hand over her chest. "That role is all you, you wrinkled old harpy. That's the difference between us that you never got through that bleach blonde granny hair," she sassed, eyes flashing and head cocking dramatically. "I'm not going _back_ anywhere. I'm going _on_ , and I'm doing it without _you_ ," she finished triumphantly, the door slamming shut behind her.

* * *

Kai shook his head as he read all the new hashtags on Instagram. Half of America was delighted with Davina's coming out, the other half furious with her for lying. Fortunately, Klaus had come out on top thanks to Enzo St. John's speedy intervention. They'd played it off as if the young rockstar suspected the truth about his girlfriend as they'd never had sex. He'd come out looking like the perfect gentleman, his latest single climbing the charts in the few days since the story had broken.

"I have to hand it to the guy. I don't how he did it, but 'The Allure of Darkness,' just hit the number one spot on the Billboard Hot 100," the young Gemini said in awe to his dejected curly blonde friend.

"He wrote that song about the time we hooked up in Central Park at 3:00am after his concert got out," Caroline wailed miserably as they walked to the senior's auditorium after a productive day of accessorizing in the period costume room for history credit.

"I remember that," Kai commented, sipping his artesian lemon water through a plastic straw. In the wake of the biodegradable straw movement, he'd been reduced to reusing his precious Bible verse straws. "You got lucky that night," he said admonishingly. "Davina told the paparazzi Klaus had to skip signing autographs because he got dizzy from too many kisses."

Caroline snorted. "I'm aware, Kai, thanks. She left out the part that her lips weren't the ones making him huff and puff." Sighing, she opened the door to the theater. "Not that we'll ever have _that_ problem again. I feel like such an asshole. If only I'd waited just a little bit longer, but no. I just _had_ to take Santana's advice."

"It's your own fault," he replied firmly. "You know better than to listen to the reigning bitch of Lima Heights." Caroline threw her head back and groaned before burying her face in his bicep in shame. Kai did his best not to laugh at her dramatism, but her narrowed eyes told him he failed when she pulled back to glare at him. "Don't look at me like that, sweet pea. You did this to yourself."

"Ugh!" she shrieked sorrowfully. "You're his best friend. Tell me how to fix this!" she begged, shaking him by the arm.

Kai pried her nails out of his jacket and stepped away from her grabby hands. "I suggest you start by copying Davina." When she scrunched her face up in confusion, he scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Tell him the truth about Elena," he said as though this was very, very obvious and she was the only brown in a box of neon crayons.

"What do you mean?" Caroline asked a little too quickly.

Kai looked at her pityingly as they reached their seats in the front row. "Do I have to spell it out for you?" When she continued to stare at him, her lightly freckled nose wrinkled and dark blonde eyebrows furrowed, he explained, "Tell Klaus that Stefan's infusing his developer with Elena's lightening powder."

Caroline's eyes widened, her hand flying to her throat in shock. "You know they're using the same mixing bowl?"

"Honey, I have the cleanest ears in the school," he said with a bored expression, hand clutching around the wad of q-tips in the front pocket of his jeans, the pad of his thumb caressing the forbidden cotton with a lover's touch. "I've been hearing them rehearse the same duet in the back of The Abattoir since you and Klaus discovered the joy of harmonizing in the bathroom. I know she's keeping his hair up with a can of extra firm hold," he replied in a mocking tone. Noticing her line of sight drifting downwards, he added, "Don't worry. Klaus doesn't know. I promise I didn't tell him."

Knowing his addiction was waxing by the swab, Caroline's face softened. She rested a gentle hand on the wrist protruding from his denim stash spot. "Kai, do you think you should talk to someone about how much cotton you've been going through? You have friends who care about you," she said sincerely. "You don't have to go through this alone. There are programs for this kind of thing."

"I don't have a problem, Caroline. I just care about aural hygiene." Waving off her concern before she could confront him further, Kai distracted her by pointing at his best friend confidently strutting down the aisle. "Look, he just walked in. Blaine and Kurt won't be here until after they drop off Baby Berry."

"Hey name is Beyonariah Diawhitina Anderson-Hummel, and she's four now," she interrupted with attitude at his continued refusal to use the most extra portmanteau in the history of ship names.

"So basic," Kai chided with a slow shake of his head. When she was around, Beyonariah was his favorite person in the world. He was her usual babysitter, always glad for a little cash of his own... and grateful for any excuse to get out of his commune. However, when glee club interfered, she went with her biological mother, Headmistress and Tony-Award Winner Rachel Berry. "Go," he said as he pulled her up from her seat and shoved her toward Klaus on the other side of the orchestra section. "Tell him the truth, and then go fuck his brains out." Caroline looked back at his smirk, her mouth hanging open at his candor.

Before she could scold her friend, she slammed right into her ex-secret-boyfriend. "Hey, sorry. I didn't realize you were so close," she said apologetically. Her heart fell to her stomach when she saw the way his face hardened at the sound of her voice.

"Yes, well, you don't see a lot of things that are right in front of you, sweetheart," he said snidely, her favorite term of endearment now a painful insult.

"Look, I have to tell you something," Caroline began nervously, subconsciously wringing her hands together in a way he'd once found adorable. He crossed his arms defensively over his chest, raising his eyebrow at her to continue. Blowing out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding, she said in a rush, "There was never anything going on with Stefan. I took some really bad advice from Santana. She told me to get back at you for letting Davina say I was nothing by finding some eye candy." When his glacial expression didn't change, she tremulously explained, "She's the one who handed me the gel in the first place. I wasn't walking around prepared for safe styling," she said as tears built up, threatening her designer mascara. With a broken-hearted best friend, Elena had stepped up and gotten her agent to book Caroline for a couple of photo shoots at Estee Lauder. It had been a good distraction for the aspiring recording artist. "I swear I never did anything with him. He's my best friend, and I promise you that is all there is between us."

"Considering what you made damn sure the world saw in Central Park, I'd say he's a bit more than that, sweetheart," Klaus replied, looking away from the desperation in her sapphire eyes.

"It was fake! I was hurt and I did a really stupid thing because of it," she implored him, wrapping her hands around his muscular bicep. "Klaus this is our chance!

Pulling her hands off his olive drab Henley, he snapped bitterly, "Well it would be if every tabloid in America didn't feature you on the cover dry humping your boyfriend!"

"I was just gelling his hair!" she cried, tears betraying her as one escaped from each eye.

"Exactly!" he spat, hands curling into fists at his side. "It's gotten over a million views on PornHub!"

Caroline choked back her sobs as they stared each other down, emotions swelling in their heaving chests. "What can I say to make you believe me? What do I have to do?"

"You can start by not blowing up my phone every night when your beloved hair model goes home," he snipped.

"I wouldn't keep calling if you would just talk to me," she said, sniffling as she fought her internal misery.

"I'd answer if you had anything worth listening to. Tell me, does Stefan know how you keep begging me to take you back, or are you lying to him, too?" he asked, choking back his own emotions, pain filling the empty blackness where his heart had once beat for Caroline Forbes. He suddenly stood up straighter when he saw Stefan accompanying Elena down the aisle. Caroline turned to look at them, silently imploring one of them to be willing to stand up to Damon and end this madness. "Let's ask him, shall we?"

The hero hair model looked between his best friend and her ex, concern growing in his gut at their expressions. He pushed passed Elena, urging her to take a seat near where Kai had suddenly vanished, a scrap of cotton stuck to the blood red upholstery. Stefan swung a protective arm around Caroline's shoulder, making her internally groan in frustration. "There a problem here, Klaus?" he asked menacingly. "Cuz I don't really care how big a star you are. Mess with my girl and you mess with me."

Caroline's mouth fell open at Stefan's very inopportune timing. She called after her ex as he angrily stormed away with a loud hmph, "Klaus, wait!"

Words failed the heartbroken blonde when the rockstar spun around and gave her a furious look as he shook his head dramatically, arms flapping at his side. "What is it, Caroline? What have you got to say to me, hmm? More lies?" he gritted out between clenched teeth. What could she say? The only way to exonerate herself was to tell the truth about Stefan and Elena. If she did that, and word got out, there was no telling what Damon might do to his brother and girlfriend in the wake of their betrayal, no matter how justified their reasons for sneaking around. "Didn't think so. You've got me confused with someone who gives a damn. Save your crying for your boyfriend," he snorted before turning his back on her. She wiped her eyes, swatting away the traitorous liquid cascading freely down her cheeks. She flopped down between Davina and Elena as Stefan raised his eyebrow at her. She shook her head and pulled out a tissue from her bag. There was nothing he could say or do without risking everyone's safety.

Suddenly, the sound of a loud clap rang out in the auditorium. Blaine and Kurt had somehow made it to rehearsal on time, sans preschooler. "Ok, New Directions!" Blaine began excitedly. "Our assignment for this week is all about metaphoric bodies of water."

"Who wants to go first?" Kurt asked enthusiastically in his high-pitched voice that was always set to shrill.

"I do!" Klaus announced, his hand shooting into the air as he glared at Caroline.

"Oh, ok," Blaine said, surprise evident in his tone. Klaus NEVER wanted to go first, but he found himself in the mood to communicate via song, as was the custom in this place where belted-out lyrics written by someone else held more meaning than quiet conversations spoken from the heart. "Well, come on up, rockstar."

"Pop-rock hybrid," he muttered under his breath, annoyed.

Kurt stepped in front of Blaine as the latter walked to the piano containing the frozen redhead now conveniently located by the orchestra that had just arrived upstage. "Everyone, let's give Klaus a hand for 'The Allure of Darkness' hitting number one!" he chirped, happily patting his hands together in front of his neckerchief.

Klaus ignored the club's enthusiasm at his success as he angrily took the microphone from the stand that had appeared downstage. Blaine began to play, the strings joining in after the first few bars. When the spotlight hit him, the singer found himself wearing a hooded rain jacket, the sound of drops falling from the fly deck pitter pattering off the stage. "You were my sun. You were my earth, but you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no. So, you took a chance – made other plans; but I bet you didn't think that they would come crashing down, no." He spun around in time with his backup dancers as he aggressively sung the lyrics directly to the young blonde crying in the front row.

"You don't have to say what you did. I already know. I found out from him," Klaus melodically snarled with a nod in Stefan's direction. "Now there's just no chance with you and me. There'll never be. Don't it make you sad about it? You told me you love me. Why did you leave me all alone? Now you tell me you need me when you call me on the phone. Girl, I refuse. You must have me confused with some other guy. The bridges were burned. Now it's your turn to cry." Slipping into his gravelly falsetto, he squeaked out, "Cry me a river. Cry me a river. Cry me a river. Cry me a river."

Half the club ground their back teeth together and covered their ears as Klaus' high notes pierced their ear drums. He easily stepped up on a coffee table several stage hands had just pushed on stage, the rain still falling as though by some unseen magical force. His dancers stepped up on smaller tables upstage as he seductively continued his angry lullaby, his lean body rocking in time with the pounding bass. "You know that they say that some things are better left unsaid. It wasn't like you only talked to him, and you know it. Don't act like you don't know it. All of these things people told me keep messing with my head. Should've picked honesty. Then you may not have blown it. You don't have to say what you did. I already know. I found out from him."

A stack of tabloids depicting Caroline kissing an unsuspecting Stefan on the cheek flew from the soloist's hands, soggy pages fluttering into the orchestra section. "Now there's just no chance with you and me. There'll never be. Don't it make you sad about it? You told me you love me. Why did you leave me all alone? Now you tell me you need me when you call me on the phone. Girl, I refuse. You must have me confused with some other guy. The bridges were burned. Now it's your turn to cry. Cry me a river. Cry me a river. Cry me a river. Cry me a river."

The sound of shattering stage glass made from panes of crystalized sugar filled the auditorium as Klaus and his backup dancers kicked picture frames back and forth across the stage, having rhythmically abandoned their coffee tables in unison. He spun downstage and danced around, breaking random things as his backup dancers sang the next verse in deep baritones. "Oh! The damage is done, so I guess I be leaving. Oh! The damage is done, so I guess I be leaving. Oh! The damage is done, so I guess I be leaving. Oh! The damage is done, so I guess I be leaving."

Klaus strutted up to the microphone now standing center stage to finish the song, his cerulean eyes boring holes into Caroline's topaz. "You don't have to say what you did. I already know. I found out from him. Now there's just no chance with you and me. There'll never be. Don't it make you sad about it? Cry me a river. Go on and just cry me a river. Baby, go on and just cry me a river. You can go on and just cry me a river." After the last line, he threw down the mic, spun on his heel, and let the curtain close on his ex's tear-stained face.

* * *

A/N What did you think of Davina? And who else cackled when Klaus sang JT? Please leave me a review! See you next Saturday. 


	8. Where Do I Go?

**A/N** Happy Saturday and welcome back to Crackfic High for your weekly installment of trash. Thank you to those of you lovely enough to leave me reviews. I appreciate it more than you know. This week's chapter is a little shorter, but we're at a major plot point. Let me know what you think!

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**Episode Eight – Where Do I Go?**

The internet was a pain in the ass. To Klaus' great annoyance, his performance had made its way onto YouTube and gone viral overnight. Enzo had arranged for a Town Car to take him to Hudson, but that still meant he had to deal with paparazzi from the doors of his fancy apartment building overlooking the park to the curb where his chauffeur was waiting. He exited the giant double glass doors to a swarm of paparazzi and gossip news reporters all crowding to get their microphones closest to his blank face.

"Was your song aimed at Davina?"

"I thought you supported her choices?"

"What happened to love and understanding?"

Klaus rolled his eyes behind his obligatory Thom Browne sun mirrored aviator sunglasses as he pushed through the mob. "The song was an assignment, nothing more. Davina's a lovely person and a dear friend, but the heart wants what it wants," he answered smoothly, smiling at the nearest camera with charming dimples, Sue Sylvester's screams of fury at America's 'Awws' echoing in the distance. With that mystery solved, the reporters changed tactics and pursued a new line of questioning as they interrogated the pop-rockstar while he slowly waded his way through the crowd.

"And what about the rumors that your heart beats for Caroline Forbes?"

"Will Klaroline live happily ever after now that Davina's out of the closet?"

Mercifully reaching the car at last, Klaus shielded himself from the savage reporters with the shiny black door. He offered one last answer before carefully climbing in to avoid hitting his beloved dark blonde curls, "Caroline is dating Stefan Salvatore and I wish them all the best." With one last flash of his dimples, he rolled up the tinted window and exhaled, already exhausted by the drama of the day.

Elena patted Caroline's hand when Klaus' mini-interview hit the web later that day. They had ducked out of science lab when the professor forgot to learn how to use a microscope. As usual, they were in the senior's auditorium. Aurora's piano was once again back in the rehearsal room where they sat on a plush forest green couch, their feet up on the comfy recliners extending out from the sofa. "It'll get better, Care. He'll come around."

Caroline scoffed and took a sip from her Unicorn Frappuccino through a biodegradable straw. "Yeah, that's not happening unless you come out about Stefan," she humphed tiredly. Casting her eyes to her friend, she cautiously asked, "Any chance of that happening anytime soon?" The brunette suddenly burst into tears, startling Caroline with the volume of her hysterics as noisy sniffles echoed around the small room. "Ok, ok, ok," she said quickly, holding up her hands in surrender. "You can keep your secret, jeez. It was just a question. Calm down. Your day will come."

Elena fiercely shook her head back and forth. "No, it won't," she sobbed. Caroline handed her a tissue, which she took gratefully and blew her nose with such force that the blonde was concerned her friend might be losing brain cells through her nostrils at this rate of dramatism.

"Look, Damon has his pills now, right?" she asked hopefully. Elena burst into a new bout of hysterics at the mention of those cursed blue tablets. "You've been saying forever that as soon as he can start having sex, he'll go back to fucking anything that moves, and you'll have your out. You know you have a standing offer to go stay with any number of people. You can leave him, Elena."

Again, the hand model lost control, this time crying so hard she began to hyperventilate. Caroline gently rubbed her back and waited for her to climb off the crazy train and tell her what was going on in her empty little head. Finally, she collected herself enough to reach into her back pocket. She handed Caroline a small black and white photograph. The blonde's hand flew to her mouth and her eyes widened at the image. "You're pregnant?"

Elena wiped her red-rimmed eyes and nodded her confirmation. "Yeah, eight weeks."

Caroline's jaw dropped in horror. "Does Damon know it probably isn't his?"

Elena furiously shook her head. "NO!" she shouted quickly. "No, he has no idea about Stefan... but he's suspicious. That was right around when he got that bootleg Cialis from Thailand. There's a small chance that it is his... but you're right. It probably isn't. He could only do it once, and I showered right after."

"So, he knows about the baby?" the young singer asked, although it was more of a statement than a question.

Elena began to cry again as she nodded her head up and down. "Y-yeah," she sniffled. "H-he took m-me to the cl-clinic himself." Caroline gave her a minute to compose herself, handing back the ultrasound. Turning to her friend, the brunette explained, "He caught me throwing up yesterday morning. He was worried I might be bulimic."

"You mean he cared?" the new model scoffed snidely.

"Well," Elena said with a shrug that convinced no one of his genuine concern for her well-being, "he was worried it would ruin my gag reflex."

"Now that sounds like the Damon I know," she spat venomously. "El, he's a piece of shit. The last thing on earth you want is to have a kid with him, especially if it isn't even his."

"It wasn't always like this! It all started when he couldn't get it up anymore. It's not his fault. He still has some of his good points," she added defensively, trying to convince herself more than the girl beside her.

"Like what?" Caroline asked, crossing her arms over her chest. This was an old argument. It always went the same way. Elena would say something very blonde. Whoever was nearby would point out why she was an idiot, but it would fall on deaf ears. Rolling her eyes, the actual blonde conceded defeat. "Forget it. We won't go there. You know you need to get out. This can be your chance to break free and really be with Stefan once and for all."

"No," the future mother countered quickly.

"Elena, it isn't just about you anymore," Caroline said, exasperated. "You have to think of the baby."

"I am thinking about the baby!" she replied angrily. "If Damon finds out about Stefan, there's no telling what he'll do. I wish things could be different, but they can't. There's just no way. I have to call it off with him." She started to cry again, heart breaking in her chest. "I just hope he understands that he'll always be the one I want, even if we can't be together. I can't even look at Damon when we're in bed. I close my eyes and pretend he's Stefan."

"I know the feeling," Caroline agreed sadly, thinking of all the times she'd held hands with him in the halls to keep up appearances, wishing it had been Klaus at her side with every step.

"I know. I'm sorry, Care," Elena said sincerely, her heart hurting for all of them. If only she finally told the truth about Stefan, none of them would be in this mess. Life was so hard. Erectile dysfunction was a bitch.

"How are you gonna tell him?" Caroline asked quietly after a few minutes past in silence as they reflected on their misery. Elena looked at her incredulously, causing the blonde to roll her eyes. "By song, obviously. Why did I even ask?" she said sarcastically. "You know what you're gonna sing?"

Elena shook her head. "Not a clue. What are you singing today?"

Caroline sighed as she stood up, holding her hand out to the teenage stereotype. "I was going to do 'Sorry' by the Jonas Brothers, but I think a duet is in order. Come on. Let's go sing it out." Elena wiped her eyes one last time before taking her hand and following her friend to the stage. They were the last to arrive, half the club already having presented their assignments. Caroline walked over to Brad, the piano player who apparently had no life outside of following them around in case someone needed a melody, and whispered her song choice in his ever-willing ear. He nodded his head as began playing Katy Perry's heartbreaking ballad.

Elena set a second stool center stage, each girl taking a seat. The pregnant teen mournfully sang the first verse. "Comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection. Like an apple hanging from a tree, I picked the ripest one. I still got the seed. You said 'Move on.' Where do I go? I guess second best is all I will know."

Caroline joined her for the first chorus, their soprano tones blending in perfect harmony. "Cause when I'm with him, I am thinking of you, thinking of you. What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night. Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes."

The angst-ridden blonde picked up the second verse solo, her voice cracking with the sound of heartbreak. "You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter; like a hard candy with a surprise center. How do I get better once I've had the best? You said there's tons of fish in the water. So, the waters I will test." She stopped to wipe a stray tear when she caught Klaus' eye. His gaze was hard and unyielding. He didn't believe a word. "He kissed my lips. I taste your mouth. He pulled me in. I was disgusted with myself." The tragic way she gulped and shook her head almost had the heartthrob believing she really meant the words she hadn't written... almost. However, the wise words they'd learned in 1990s R&B pushy female love songs week had taught the students that almost doesn't count.

Elena took Caroline's hand as their voices danced together. "Cause when I'm with him, I am thinking of you, thinking of you. What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night. Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes."

Caroline got up from her stool and pulled the mic from the stand. She slowly walked downstage to sing directly to Klaus. "You're the best, and yes, I do regret how I could let myself let you go. Now the lesson's learned. I touched it; I was burned. Oh, I think you should know."

Elena came up beside her and sang to Stefan. "Cause when I'm with him, I am thinking of you, thinking of you. What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night. Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes; looking into your eyes; looking into your eyes."

Caroline let Elena take the next line. "Oh, won't you walk through and bust in the door, and take me away?"

The brunette let her voice fade away as the blonde finished the final notes, her melody a whisper as she sadly trailed off. "Oh, no more mistakes, cause in your eyes I'd like to stay."

The members of the glee club politely clapped as the girls walked off the stage. Before they even sat down, both Klaus and Stefan got up and walked out of the auditorium. Elena sat down next to Caroline. Turning to her friend, she spoke with concern heavy in her tone. "That was really good, Care... but... Don't get mad, but I have to ask..." she began, but her words failed.

Looking at her friend in confusion, Caroline prodded her along. "Ask me what?"

"Have you been kissing Stefan?" she asked in a rush.

Caroline looked at her as though she were very slow. "I know pregnancy makes you emotional, but does it make you stupid, too?"

Elena let out her breath is a whoosh. "Just checking." Relief washed over her at the way her friend rolled her eyes. There was no world in which Caroline and Stefan could ever be a couple.


	9. Someone You Once Loved

A/N Welcome back to Crackfic High! Sorry, Klaroline fans, but this week we are focused on Stefan and his baby momma drama. We're getting close to the end here with only three weeks left of updates! I hope you're having fun in this crazy world. This week is a nod to my late dad. His favorite show, _Wings_ , has this epic proposal scene that I have stolen word for word. I hope you like it! Let me know what you think in a review!

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**Song This Week**

Aida – Written the Stars

**Episode Nine – Someone You Once Loved**

"I guess you made your decision." Stefan smiled sadly as he averted his eyes when Elena walked up to him outside The Abattoir half an hour later.

"Stefan, I-" she began, but he cut her off.

"He raided my bank account to buy you a ring," he growled angrily. Elena's eyes widened, her hand flying to her mouth. "Were you even going to tell me he proposed?"

"He didn't exactly propose, per se," she said evasively.

"What did he say _exactly_?" the hair model asked emphatically, rage and sorrow battling for dominance in his well-toned chest.

"It's more like he said that's what we're doing," she explained lamely. Before Stefan could reply, she held up her hand. "Don't. Please don't. This is hard enough already without you making it worse."

"Me?!" he shouted. "Me make it worse? Look, Elena, this is our chance, ok? Listen to me," he said, turning her to face him with gentle but firm hands on her shoulders. "I got an offer in LA to model a new line of hair gel."

"LA? What, is it vegan?" she asked with a snort.

"That's beside the point," he said dismissively, carefully avoiding the judgmental look on her face. "It's our ticket out of this hell hole."

"This is New York City!" she scoffed, offended. "This is _not_ hell. This place was our dream, Stef."

"And now it's our nightmare." His tone was firm as he glared at her, hands curled into fists at his sides. "Come with me. Don't marry him. You know as well as I do that there is almost no chance that baby is even his."

Elena lost the battle with her emotions once again, tears spilling down her already puffy cheeks. "I can't do this right now," she choked out. "I'm going home."

"To your fiancé?" Stefan asked angrily. She sniffled and just nodded her head before turning her back on her one true love.

Elena sat on the edge of the stage, her feet not reaching the freshly steamed carpet. She silently watched Stefan walk down the aisle and take a seat next to her, legs dangling. "I know you said you were going home, but I thought I might find you here," he said quietly.

She shrugged her shoulders. "Where else would I go? Everybody always ends up on stage in this place," she pointed out sensibly before swiftly adding under her breath, "Kinda creepy, don't you think?"

Stefan nodded his head. "Yeah, but don't tell the teachers that. They get really confused," he mumbled conspiratorially.

The brunette nodded back. "I know. I hope it's not like this when you go to LA."

Stefan snorted. Like hell he was going anywhere without her. He idly wondered if pregnancy made girls stupid. "I'm not taking that offer. Why would I give up New York to be a model for some hippie vegan hair gel in smogsville if you're not coming with me?"

Elena looked at him optimistically and complimented, "Well, you are a really good man stylist."

Stefan quickly cut her off. "Stop changing the subject. Elena, you can't marry Damon. You're making a big mistake."

She got to her feet, snapping at him, "Would you get it through your hero hair? I am marrying him, and there's nothing you can say to change that!" She turned on her heel and stomped off towards the wings.

"Marry me!" he called after her, jumping to his feet and trotting after her.

Elena stopped dead in her tracks, her heart skipping a beat. She muttered over her shoulder, "Excuse me?"

Stefan walked closer to her and whispered, "Please?"

The pregnant teen turned and slowly walked over to him as he leaned against the piano. "Did you just ask me to marry you?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes," the hair model said firmly.

Elena stared at him intensely and breathed heavily for a moment, unsure what to say. Suddenly, anger marred her pretty features. She ripped her hand away, knocking the sheet music off the piano, pages flying all around. "Stefan, I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm marrying Damon, and that's that." She spun on her heel and walked away from him, stomping.

Stefan chased after her and stepped in front of her path. "Give me one good reason why."

"I'll give you the best reason of all," she said harsher than she'd meant to. He raised his eyebrow at her and waited. "He..." she began, her voice trailing off as she tried to come up with something. "... asked me first," she finished pathetically.

Stefan scoffed, throwing up his hands in infinite frustration. "That's what the most important decision of your life boils down to? Firsties?" She just looked at him and shrugged, both of them knowing she had nothing else for him. A thought occurring to him, he pointed out, "Hey, wait a minute. You left The Abattoir way before I did. You've been walking around thinking things over, haven't you?" he asked accusingly.

She vehemently shook her head in denial. "No! I had to go to class."

Stefan rolled his eyes. "Elena, we don't even have textbooks here. Admit it. You have doubts."

The brunette quickly barked, "Ok! So, I walked around the block a few times!" At his triumphant look, she expounded, "Everyone has doubts before they get married. But I know now that I have made up my mind, and I'm sure about it. So, Stefan, just … just go away," she pleaded. Pausing, she turned to the side and mumbled to herself, "I feel like I've heard all of this before…"

"I don't know what you mean, but alright, Elena," he said, swiftly redirecting the conversation as his compulsion drove him to follow the script. "If you can look me in the eye and honestly tell me you don't love me, I will get off this stage, and out of your life.

"I don't love you," she said immediately.

He ran his fingers through his hero hair. "I've gotta stop saying that…. This _is_ a little déjà vu," he admitted begrudgingly.

Elena whispered conspiratorially, "I told you. This place is freaky." They shared a knowing glance before she was caught up in the moment once more. "I have to go."

Stefan cantered after her, grabbing her arm just before she reached the door to the lobby. "Don't run away from me, please! You're lying and you know it!"

The hand model pulled herself away from him. "Ok! Ok, I love you. I've always loved you," she confessed, sighing. "But what the hell kind of reason is _that_ to get married?"

He threw up his hands, rolling his eyes. "Well, it's no, 'He asked me first,' but it's the best I can do."

Elena's voice grew thick with unshed tears. "Stefan, it's too late for us. Please. It's just not gonna work."

"Damnit, Elena!" he shouted, pacing as he recalled the bombshell she'd dropped on him before quickly leaving to meet Davina and Kai for breakfast. "When you walked out this morning, I-I felt all the life drain out of me. I sat in our kitchen and all I could think about is all the years we've known each other. Since we were kids. We've already spent a lifetime together. Nobody knows me better than you. No one knows you better than I do. How can you even think about marrying Damon? It's wrong!" He sighed at the glassy look in her chocolate eyes. He stepped closer to her, taking her hand in his and holding it to his chest. "Having kids with him? Growing old together? That's _our_ marriage. Those are _our_ kids. That's _our_ lifetime. We're supposed to be together. I love you, Elena," he said desperately, imploring her to see reason.

His lover softly caressed his cheek with her delicate hand, staring into his eyes dramatically, saying nothing. "I guess sometimes love just isn't enough," he said sadly, covering her hand with his and turning his head to lightly kiss her wrist.

"Elena, hurry the fuck up," Damon's voice suddenly called as he pushed the doors open, nearly knocking his little brother off his feet. "Am I interrupting something?" he asked menacingly as his eyes flicked between the two.

Stefan shrugged casually and shook his head. "Just rehearsing," he said easily as he fell back into his role as the perfect brother.

Damon stalked toward his favorite source of income. "It looked like a little more than that," he growled dangerously.

Elena walked towards them. "It wasn't, baby," she promised.

He turned to her and invaded her air space, muttering threateningly, "Better fucking not be."

Stefan interjected, "Damon, don't be a dick. Nothing was going on."

The loser bartender rounded on his little brother, but Elena quickly distracted him by kissing him hard on the mouth. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she tucked her chin over his neck to lock eyes with her ex. "Stefan and I are done," she whispered. "Let's go home."

Damon clearly wasn't buying their innocent routine. He pulled her off of him and dragged her roughly toward the exit, tossing behind him, "Make yourself scarce for a while, Stef."

"Damon!" Stefan shouted, quickly following them into the lobby.

" _WHAT_?!" he roared, eyes flashing, the putrid smell of bourbon and day-old vomit wafting into the air. Elena's eyes widened as she caught Stefan's gaze and minutely shook her head, silently begging him not to make it worse.

He slowly exhaled through his nostrils. "The pharmacy called. The rest of your pills came in," he said with a sad gaze as relief washed over her pale features.

Damon smirked and tossed over his shoulder as he walked them away, "See you later, baby bro."

Later that night, Stefan quietly called in a stage whisper, "Elena!" The pretty young model held a finger over her mouth, slowly pulling Damon's unconscious arm off her shoulders as she got up from the couch. She carefully padded over to the balcony, closing the door behind them. "I thought you were… What did he do?!" he asked angrily when the lights of the city hit her face.

Elena's hand flew to a large bruise on her cheek, tears building up in her eyes. "He came at me. I think he knows," she whispered. "I blame myself."

"No. I put you in danger. But I swear, it will never happen again," he said passionately. She pulled away, sadly shaking her head. "I'm telling him the baby is mine. I am going to buy us a house in one of the boroughs. I'll turn down LA, and we will ride the subway."

Elena turned to him, her hand gently touching his cheek. "Oh, Stefan…" she began, but her tone quickly changed when a loud snore interrupted them. "No! You can't! You can't stay in New York," she said emphatically.

Stefan shook his head, firmly arguing, "Yes, I can; and I will."

She inhaled deeply and steeled herself to say goodbye. "I love you, Stefan. I really love you. But you must go to LA tomorrow. Tomorrow! What you want for us is impossible. He would hunt us down. It's a foolish plan."

"I will find a way for us to be together," he promised as Elton John's music filled the air.

Elena took his hand and quietly sang him a farewell lullaby. "I am here to tell you: we can never meet again. Simple really, isn't it?" She stopped to sniffle and take in a deep breath. "A word or two, and then a lifetime of not knowing where, or how, or why, or when you think of me, and speak of me, and wonder what befell that someone you once loved so long ago, so well?"

Stefan felt his heart break in his perfectly sculpted chest as he dejectedly sang for Radames. "Never wonder what I feel as living shuffles by. You don't have to ask me, and I need not reply. Every moment of my life, from now until I die: I will think, or dream of you, and fail to understand how a perfect love can be confounded out of hand." He wrapped his arms around her waist, slowly swaying them back and forth in the cool autumn air of the city. "Is it written in the stars? Are we paying for some crime? Is that all that we are good for: just a stretch of mortal time? Or some God's experiment in which we have no say? In which we're given paradise but only for a day?"

Elena pulled away, holding up her hand in protest. "Go to LA, Stefan. Separating can save my baby. This could be our chance to do something important. Don't you see it could be the whole reason you got that offer?"

"Then it would be a cruel trick," he countered.

"Not if the Gods gave you that hair for some greater purpose," she argued passionately.

The teenager looked at her in utter bewilderment. "See? This is what I mean. You literally don't say things like 'Gods,'" he pointed out.

"Stefan, don't screw up the tempo." She waved her hand dismissively as the music resumed. "Nothing can be altered. There is nothing to decide: no escape, no change of heart, nor any place to hide."

"Oh, you are all I ever want, but this I am denied," he sang, taking her hand and holding it over his heart. "Sometimes, in my darkest thoughts, I wish I'd never learned what it is to be in love…"

The future teen mom easily fell into him, turning to wrap his arms around her from behind as they sang to the city, their voices joining in harmony, "…and have that love returned."

Elena sadly pulled away and looked up at the night sky. "Is it written in the stars? Are we paying for some crime?" She inhaled deeply as her voice built up to a crescendo of tragedy. "Is that all that we are good for: just a stretch of mortal time?"

Stefan grabbed her by the arms, turning her to face him as they joined hands and belted out, "Or some God's experiment in which we have no say? In which we're given paradise, but only for a day?"

The two star-crossed teenage drama queens stared deeply into each other's teary eyes for long moments until Damon's drunken voice shattered their silence. "Elena!" he shouted from the living room, his words slurred. "Get me another pill!" Wiping away a tear, she leaned in and gently kissed Stefan on the lips one last time before turning her back on him and walking back inside.


	10. Dream It Wasn’t All My Fault

A/N Welcome back to Heartbreak High! Sorry I'm a day late. I work overnights and got my days confused again. Hope you like this Kai-centric chapter!

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**Episode Ten – Dream It Wasn't All My Fault**

November 2025

High school counseling was so hard. Emma Pillsbury-Schuester smiled politely at Stefan as he explained why he'd been sent home from his photo shoot for Paul Mitchell's new line of male hair care products the day before. Apparently, his hair just wouldn't stay up straight. His agent called in the ginger wife of Headmaster Will Schuester. He was worried about his best model's hair follicles falling victim to psychosomatic manifestations of the depression that had descended upon the young man since Elena had broken up with him to marry his brother.

Will had done very well financially in recent years, but Emma was also doing quite well publishing her patented mental health pamphlets for unique student concerns. She sat up straight in her antimicrobial desk chair and opened her hypoallergenic desk. Pulling out a sterile handout, she placed it on the desk in front of the distraught teenager with a bright smile.

Stefan picked it up and squinted his eyes to make sure he'd read the title correctly: "When Your Niece or Nephew Might Be Your Son: How to Tell Your Brother You've Been Sleeping with His Girl." He looked up at her with a shocked expression. Before he could ask how she'd known, she smiled at him and said in her high-pitched honey-sweet voice, "Honey, I worked at McKinley. I've been dealing with teenage baby mama drama since before you could hold a comb." When he just stared at her open-mouthed, she explained simply, "Talk to your brother." In the world according to Emma, this problem was ready to add to the growing pile of her counseling achievements.

Stefan shook his head, bringing himself back to the moment. He forced a smile as he got up, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. He set the pamphlet back down on her pristine desk. "Thanks, Mrs. Pillsbury-Schuester, but it's not that simple. Elena has to make up her mind on her own. Until she does, I'm out," he said sadly. "Maybe I should have gone to LA," he sighed, running his fingers through his falling hero hair in frustration.

"Running away never solved anything, Stefan," Emma said kindly, walking to the door to open it for him. "Come find me when you're ready to make some changes. In the meantime, keep the faith." Stefan nodded at her politely in return. "Next!" she called into the waiting room. Klaus waltzed in and sat down heavily in the chair she offered him as soon as she finished sterilizing it. He sighed grumpily, leaning forward to put his elbows on her desk, immediately making her flinch as she wondered when he last scrubbed his arms. She smiled a wide smile as she discreetly pushed a bottle of pink gel towards him. He took the hint and backed up off her desk, rubbing his elbows with the offered sanitizer. "What brings you in today, Klaus?" she asked merrily as she used a hospital-grade medical wipe on the front of her desk. "What seems to be bothering our favorite rockstar?"

Biting back a scathing comment about her obsessive tendencies, he blew out a breath in a whoosh. "It's not about me."

Before he could continue, Emma interjected, "Well, you're the only person you have control over. So, let's talk about how we can help you. K?"

Klaus glared at her, unamused. "Fine," he conceded in his British lilt. " _I'm_ upset that I found my best mate's blood all over the bathroom counter yet again this morning. Please tell _me_ what I can do to help _myself_ cope with my utter uselessness," he said sarcastically.

Emma's fake smile fell right off. "Tell me everything," she said, genuine concern now etched on her face. Klaus spilled his guts to the counselor, telling her everything he knew about Kai and his deteriorating mental stability. If something didn't give, he was going to end up slaughtering his entire family just to get away from... straws. "...and I don't know how to help him. His father is moving them back to that damn commune in Portland at the end of the year. He'll die there, Mrs. P!" he shouted in desperation.

Emma listened calmly. She knew this beast. Had seen it before... She reached into her desk and pulled another pamphlet out of its protective plastic container. Klaus read through it quickly, his eyes widening in horrified realization. "This sounds just like Kai!" he exclaimed. "Does this mean you can help him?"

Emma smiled and nodded her head. Her pamphlets worked miracles for young people. It was lovely to see her hard work paying off on the excited face of Klaus Mikaelson. "I have just the thing," she said brightly, arming herself with another pamphlet as they both walked to the door.

"Thanks, Mrs. P," Klaus said gratefully on his way to rehearsal.

"It's what I do," Emma replied, touched by his healing. She wasted no time tracking down the troubled teen. Approaching him at his locker, she flashed him a thousand-watt smile as she handed him the answer to his problems: "When Helping Hurts: Facts About Q-Tip Addiction."

To her dismay, Kai handed it back to her. "I don't have a problem. I just like my hearing, okay?" he snapped defensively.

Undeterred, she reached out to place a caring hand on his arm but recoiled when she saw bits of cotton on his sleeve. Who knew how many germs were all over him? It just wasn't worth the risk. Smiling instead, she said quietly, "Let's go to my office and talk about it, okay? Okay, good. Come on," she said without waiting for an answer. He sighed but obediently followed her passed the empty classrooms devoid of desks. Hudson High didn't need them... or blackboards... or chalk...

Kai sat down in the freshly sanitized chair in front of her desk. Emma handed him another pamphlet: "So, You Grew Up in a Cult?" This time, he took it gratefully and read through the wisdom she infused on every glossy trifold.

A few tears rolled down Kai's cheek as he confided in the counselor his troubles. She hummed at appropriate intervals, occasionally nodding her head in understanding. "So, when you say you hate straws, what you're really saying is that you hate your penis," she said bluntly, making him gasp at her frank interpretation of the words he'd never said aloud. "It's okay, Kai," she soothed. "There's no judgment here at Hudson High. You're not the first person to struggle with gender identity, and you won't be the last. There's no shame in what you're going through. We're here to give you all the support you need. This is a safe place."

"More like what Alice found down the rabbit hole," he snarked under his breath.

"I prefer to think of it as Neverland," she said amicably. "My point is that you don't need to hide who you are, at least not when you're here."

"Yeah, well, soon enough I won't be here," Kai said sadly, his eyes burning as he thought about the miserable fate waiting for him in Portland.

Emma frowned and blew out her nostrils in a huff. "Have you thought about talking to your dad about this?" she asked seriously.

"God, no," he said quickly, a pile of straws landing on his lap at the mention of the divine creator. He brushed them aside and returned her grimace. "I'll be strawed to death!" he croaked in a terrified whisper.

"What?" Emma interjected quickly, heart leaping to her throat at such a horrific end. "You don't mean that literally, right?" she asked skeptically, dreading the answer.

Kai quickly shook his head. "No, no, of course not. It's just an expression," he covered quickly, eyes darting to the side. "My point is that I can't tell my dad."

"So, what will you do?" she countered. "Go back to Oregon, marry a woman you don't love? Force yourself to have sex with her by pretending she's someone else? Have children you'll spend your life lying to about who their father really is? What kind of life is that, Kai?"

"It's the one I have." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, I appreciate you listening. That alone means a lot, okay? But my hands are tied. After the semester, I will go back to hell, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. I know what you want me to do, but I can't do it. Even if I did manage to get out alive, where would I go? I'm not famous like Klaus the rockstar, Caroline the actress, Elena and Stefan the models, or Davina the pop princess."

"In all fairness, I think Davina has been demoted to the D-list," Emma commented.

"That's exactly my point!" Kai said shrilly. "She came out and look what happened! She lost her contract with UMG. She's just a regular nobody like the rest of us. Well, like me, anyway," he added dejectedly. "At least this way, I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back."

"Davina Claire will never be a nobody. She'll get another record deal when she's ready. She's actually turned down several offers. She's enjoying being a regular teenager like you should be. You have friends who love you. I'm sure Klaus would be more than happy to take care of you financially, Kai. He's your best friend, and he wants what's best for you; but you've got to start by helping yourself. There are places you can go and get help for your q-tip problem. The school is prepared to scholarship your entire recovery, and you can return to graduate when you're ready. I'd be happy to set something up for you," she said pleadingly.

Kai vehemently shook his head as he jumped out of the chair. "I _don't_ have a problem with q-tips! Everybody needs to stop saying that! Maybe I have some issues with... straws... but that doesn't make me some kind of addict!" Before she could respond, he slammed the door and raced out of the building.

Emma sighed dramatically. Life was so hard. She worked so hard on those pamphlets and he just left both of them sitting on her desk. Selfish children. She pulled on sterile gloves to reach into her purse and get her Redmi. She tapped out a long message to her husband asking what she should do about Kai. Will texted back a few minutes later that he knew just who to call.

Blaine Anderson-Hummel confidently strode into the senior's auditorium dressed in his best sweater-bowtie combo, hair combed to the side to compliment his cheery demeanor. "Thanks for agreeing to meet me, Kai," he said gently as he approached the sullen teenager dangling his feet from the edge of the stage.

"I know why you're here," Kai said simply, refusing to make eye contact as Blaine took a seat next to him on the apron.

"Well, good," the vocal coach replied merrily. "That saves us some time. Why don't you save us some more by skipping the crap about ending up desolate on the streets and just tell me why you really won't come out."

Kai shot him a sideways glare. "You teachers all act like everything is so easy here, like it's all just some big musical. Not everything can be solved in 44 minutes with a couple of well-choreographed showtunes," he snapped.

Blaine nodded sympathetically. "Life is never easy, Kai. When Kurt and I first met, he'd come to my old school because a classmate threatened to murder him for being gay."

"Seriously?" Kai asked, eyebrows shooting up in interest. "What happened to the guy? Did he get arrested?"

Blaine grimaced at that one. "Well, no, not exactly..." he trailed off, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. Kai looked at him expectantly as the vocal coach struggled to find words. "I sort of ended up dating him," he admitted lamely.

"Wow," Kai managed to get out before he started laughing. Blaine's face hardened at the teenager's reaction. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." It took him a solid minute to collect himself. "I'm sure there's a lot more to the story."

"There is," the older man said with a shrug, "but it's not really relevant now. The point it, he wasn't really homophobic. He was a guy in pain, just like the rest of us who have to fight to be who we are. That's what's so great about this place," he said, looking around at the massive theater in awe of all he and his gang of misfits had accomplished since their Lima loser days. "This place is unlike any other. It's safe here. Safe for kids, and adults, to be whoever they want to be."

"Here may be safe, but my house sure isn't," Kai said with a huff. Finally making eye contact, he whispered the painful truth, "My brother was murdered for being gay."

Blaine's face twisted up in horror as he muttered a shocked, "What?" The teenager gulped down a sob and swiped at a traitorous tear trying to escape from his left eye. "Kai, you can't be serious."

The young boy just nodded his head, resigned to his fate. "Like I said, I'm all out of options. My family hated Luke for being different. They already suspect something might be wrong with me." With a sigh, he turned to the older man and explained, "When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was play with my sister Jo's Barbies, or we'd make cakes and cookies in the kitchen, or play dress up. We used to play for hours, but then my dad caught us when I was about ten. He sent her off to live with relatives in Virginia. I haven't seen her since, but I heard she's married with twins now."

"Kai, you're sixteen," Blaine pointed out, disgust evident in his tone.

"I know. I'm getting old. My dad's already pushing me to marry this girl from another religious community," he said as he stared down at his hands fidgeting in his lap. "She's nice. I've talked with her online. Her name's Bonnie, but she has this crazy grandma that scares the crap out of me. She's always talking about things like the occult and pagans."

"Didn't you say she was from another cult?" Blaine asked in confusion.

"Yeah, but her grandma's an outsider, obviously." The coach nodded his head in agreement at that. "I'll probably end up marrying her anyway. With any luck, her grams can get us out of the community and away from our parents. Go somewhere safe."

"This place is safe," Blaine said sincerely, taking the younger boy's hand.

"This place isn't the whole world. I know you teachers don't get it, but this school isn't like other schools. I can't just play make believe all day and then go home like everything's perfect there like it is here. This isn't real life," he said sadly. He wiped at his eyes, briefly closing them. They snapped open when he heard music begin. "Really? 'Finding Neverland' Blaine?" he commented with a heavy roll of his puffy eyes. "Are we really singing Peter Pan?"

"It's a good show," he said defensively. "The lead was an excellent J.M. Barrie."

"Matthew Morrison is just a more famous and Ken-doll handsome knockoff of Jeremy Jordan," Kai spat venomously. He was very passionate about musical theater casting.

"The gay porn star?" Blaine asked in confusion.

"What? No, the other one," Kai replied as he got to his feet.

"Oh, you mean the 90s pop star?" he deduced, nodding his head in understanding.

Kai rolled his eyes. "No, not that one, either. Google him." Before either of them had time to get out their phones, the scene suddenly changed. Kai was dressed as a young boy in the Victorian era. Blaine was the pinnacle of Victorian gentility in navy blue slacks and a khaki vest backed with fine silk, his handsome face suddenly marred by unflattering facial hair. "What the hell just happened?" he asked in confusion. "Why does this always happen here, Blaine?"

The vocal coach looked at him without recognition for the name he'd gone by only seconds ago. "I don't know what you mean, Peter."

"What? I'm not Peter. I'm Kai!" he replied, annoyed at the set that mysteriously surrounded them.

Blaine sat down on an old crate and leaned forward, balancing his elbows on his knees as he began to sing. "When did life become so complicated? Years of too much thought and time I wasted, and in each line upon my face is proof I fought and lived another day. When did life become this place of madness? Drifting on an empty sea of waves of sadness, I make believe I'm in control, and dream it wasn't all my fault."

Kai reflected that nothing was Blaine's fault, but he found that he was suddenly unable to speak. The older man got up and slowly walked over to newly young Victorian version of the confused teen to continue his serenade. "When your feet don't touch the ground, and your world's turn upside down, here it's safe in this place above the clouds. When your feet don't touch the earth, you can't feel the things that hurt, and you're free. There's no need to come down."

Kai sighed, suddenly overcome with petulance as he sang his part. "Every day just feels a little longer. Why am I the only one not getting stronger? Running 'round pretending life's a play doesn't make the darkness go away. I may be young, but I can still remember feeling full of joy, crying tears of laughter. Now all my tears are all cried out. Make believe but count me out." Glaring at Blaine, he stood up and stomped each foot firmly on the ground. "Cause my feet are on the ground, and the inner voice I found tells the truth: there's no use if your head's in the clouds."

Blaine placed a comforting arm on his back, gesturing out at the nonexistent audience. "I was once like you. Life was a maze. I couldn't find my way out, but what I say is true. You'll be amazed. Make believe and you will find out that it's true."

"I know what is true," the young Peter sang, pulling away.

"When your feet don't touch the ground, and your voice won't make a sound," they sang in unison before breaking off into their separate lines to harmonize the touching ballad.

Blaine faced Kai as he passionately promised the younger man, "Here it's safe in this place above the clouds. When your feet don't touch the earth, you can't feel the things that hurt, and you're free. There's no need to come down. When your feet don't touch the ground. Don't touch the..."

Kai argued with his contrary verse, "It tells the truth: there's no use in the clouds. When your feet touch the earth, and I am fine as long as I am down. Touch the ground."

Finally, they finished with a final, "Touch the ground."

Kai wiped at a stray tear as he accepted a warm embrace from his coach. When he pulled back, he found that they were once again in 21st century New York City. "So, will you at least think about it?" Blaine asked softly.

Kai nodded his head, but he knew he would never go to his father about his hatred for... straws. Fortunately, he kept that thought to himself as at that moment, Kurt rushed on the stage dressed in ridiculous drag, the spitting image of a black gospel singer in her 40s. Blaine wildly waved his hands at the invisible orchestra to stop the music. When the heavily made-up performer came up to them, he had both hands on his well-shaped hips and asked with attitude, "What was that for?"

"It's okay, Kurt," Blaine said, placating his husband with hands of surrender. "He agreed to think about it. You don't have to sing 'God Don't Make No Trash.'"

Kai's face lit up in horror as he realized the bullet he'd just dodged. Kurt looked to the terrified teen sympathetically. "Are you sure you don't need to hear it?" The young man enthusiastically nodded his head in confirmation. He was sure. "Ok, but I want you to know that I was willing to make this sacrifice for you."

"Yeah, I get it, I get it," he said, quickly grabbing his backpack and making a run for the stairs. He left the two married men standing on the stage wondering what had him so surprised. Wasn't it normal for gay men to sing gospel songs to younger transgender men in their time of need? This generation sure was strange.

Speaking of strange, Kai ducked into the gym to avoid the ginger woman smiling happily at him from across campus. He'd had enough of these Lima do-gooders for one day. Just when he thought the coast was clear, he bumped right into Davina holding a container of dirt. "What's up with the box? You need to bury a hamster or something?" he asked skeptically.

Davina narrowed her eyes at him. "This dirt isn't for burying pets, Malachi," she sassed.

Kai held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Ok, sorry, D. What's it for?" he asked, curious now.

The disgraced pop star rolled her eyes at him. "It's my emotional support Tupperware. This dirt is from my family's graveyard. It's good luck."

Kai took a step back, looking at the plasticware as if it had personally offended him. "Keep it away from me! Voodoo magic is from the devil!" he shouted. They both quickly dodged falling straws as they fell from the sky.

Davina hmphed and tucked the Tupperware back in her backpack. "Don't be stupid," she snipped at him. "There's no such thing as magic."


	11. A Very Special Episode

**A/N** There was this insane thing in the 90s where a sitcom would suddenly address a ridiculously serious topic, like abortion or pedophilia. This is my version of that. Warning: This chapter is extremely heavy and not meant to be funny. There's some serious violence about to happen, albeit not all that graphic. Just know that we will return out our silliness next Saturday when we visit Elena and Kai in the psych ward for the season finale of Heartbreak High. Please let me know what you think!

**Song in This Episode**

P!nk – Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken

* * *

**Episode Eleven – A Very Special Episode**

Being a teenager sucked. Elena and Kai walked morosely to the Headmaster's office. They'd been summoned to meet with Will Schuester himself, and they were _not_ looking forward to it.

"Elena, Kai, thank you for coming," the curly-haired man said amicably as he welcomed them into his office.

"We didn't exactly have a choice," Elena sniped bitterly.

"Yeah," agreed Kai. "You threatened to teach us Spanish if we didn't show."

"Well, that's what you get for ducking out on Geography," the Headmaster said with an easy smile.

"You forgot to order maps," the pregnant teen pointed out.

"There wasn't room in the budget after paying for Kurt's makeup," he explained with a grim expression. "That's irrelevant anyway. There's someone I'd like the two of you to meet." He opened the adjoining door to Rachel's office and welcomed a jovial looking man in his 50s into the room. "Elena, Kai, I'd like to introduce to you one of my favorite people in the world, and close personal friend, Sheldon Beiste."

Sheldon was a rugged-looking man with a kind smile and sparkling eyes. He politely shook hands with the teens as they took a seat on Will's giant comfy couch. "I'll leave you alone, but I want you to know that Sheldon came all the way from Lima to talk to you guys." The two teens looked at each other miserably. Sensing their fears, the curly headed blonde man added gently, "He's here to help, not tell you what to do." They looked at each other again, silently debating how bad it would be to have a white man teach them a romance language. "All I ask is that you please listen to what he has to say."

Elena was the first to roll her eyes and cross her arms defensively over her chest, Kai quickly following suit. "Alright. We'll listen."

Will smiled ear to ear, patting his friend on his broad shoulder. "Great decision, kids. I'll be in Rachel's office if you need anything. Sheldon, they're all yours."

"Thanks, Will," the mysterious Ohioan said gratefully, patting Will's hand before he took it off his friend's shoulder and closed the door behind him. Turning to face the students, he began with, "Thanks for agreeing to hear me out. I know neither of you is having an easy time of it right now."

"No shit," Kai said petulantly, earning him a glare and smack to the chest from Elena. "Sorry. Go ahead."

Sheldon smiled at the young man's spirit. "I guess I should start by telling you my name."

"I thought it was Sheldon," Elena interjected.

"It is," the former football coach confirmed with a nod. He'd been offered a position at Will's new school, of course, but had turned it down to take over as Principal at McKinley High in Lima. "But it wasn't always."

Kai's angry façade gave way as his eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You?"

Sheldon nodded again. "Yeah. Me. My name used to be Shannon. I wasted most of my life pretending to be something I'm not, which was a woman. I did a lot of crazy things to hide who I was. I made myself the toughest bitch around. I took competition way too seriously, and I did it because the only validation I had that my life was worth living came from cheap trophies I don't even have anymore. I get what you're going through, kiddo, and you're right that it ain't easy telling the world you were born wrong. Will's right; I'm not going to tell you what to do. What I am going to do is tell you not to end up like me."

Turning to Elena, he continued his story. "The worst mistake I ever made was marrying a man to keep everyone from knowing I was supposed to be one. The way I hear it, ol' Scooter had a lot in common with your boyfriend, Damon."

"What do you know about Damon?" the brunette asked quickly, heart beginning to pound in her chest. _What had Stefan been saying about them?_ If this got back to her boyfriend, she'd been done for. It took everything in her not to run from the room, but Kai knew her too well to let that happen. He placed a calming hand on her forearm and gave her a little squeeze of encouragement. He nodded at the former woman to continue. Elena wasn't running from this, and neither was he. He'd hear this strange visitor out at the very least. And then he would purge his ears of all hope with his beloved q-tips.

"I know he ain't been treating you right. He's got a nasty temper on him, right?" Sheldon asked with a knowing glance. Elena looked down at her hands that had fallen to her lap. She nodded so slightly it was barely noticeable, but they all got the message. "Yeah, Scooter did, too. He'd come home angry about something or other. It was something new every time, but the rage was always the same. It wasn't long into our marriage that he started beating on me."

"Somebody hit _you_?" Kai was shocked, his mouth dropping open in disbelief. Sheldon met his eyes and the young man knew the words were true. Turning to her, he asked angrily, "Is that son of a bitch hitting you now, Elena?" When she didn't answer, his volume increased. "Answer me, damnit! You're pregnant for fucks sake. You've got a kid to think about. You want your baby to grow up with that monster? Wake up!"

Sheldon held up his hand in a placating gesture. "That's not helpful, kiddo. I know you want her to get away from him, but she's gotta do that for herself. In the same way, you need to come out for yourself." Before either of them could interrupt, Sheldon soldiered on. "You two kids agreed to hear me out. So, that's what you're gonna do. I know where you are, and I know where I've been." The teens shared a look of horror, but he quickly put their fears to bed. "Don't worry. We sang that one already." Both students let out their breaths in a whoosh of relief, their reward an amused smile that flickered briefly across his face before quickly fading when he remembered the gravity of their situation. "I won't tell you what to do, but I can tell you, promise you, one thing: there is hope. I know it may not seem that way when things are at their darkest. It sure as hell wasn't a walk down a hallway and into a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Took me decades to start being honest about who I am. My ex could have killed me, but I was lucky enough to have friends to pull me out. They knocked some sense into this thick ol' head," he said jokingly as he tapped on the side of his skull with his meaty fist. "But I'm glad they managed. They didn't give up on me, and no one is gonna give up on either of you. Life isn't always fair. In fact, it almost never is. You two have faced more in your childhoods than most adults older than me. You're both facing a tough choice here. On one hand, Kai, I get it that you don't want to lose your family, but hurting yourself with q-tips is not the answer." The young Gemini discreetly reached into his pocket to run his thumb across the smooth cotton he never left home without.

Turning to the young girl, Sheldon continued, "As for you, missy, I get it that you don't want to leave your boyfriend. I want you two to think about this, really think about it. Think about what you want your life to look like in a year, in five years, ten, twenty. Is this how you want to spend what little time we get? If the answer is no, and I hope it is, then you got good people in your corner. Take it from me: abuse does not get better. I don't care how bad his ED is, Elena. It is not your job to make him feel good about his manhood. It's your job to take care of that baby you got growing inside you. Kai, it's your job not to pass this crap on to your own kids, if you decide to have any. I'm gonna walk out now, but before I do, know this: it will get better."

By the time Sheldon finished his speech, Elena was in tears. Kai was doing his best to control himself, but it was no easy task. He got up from the couch and headed for the door. She wasn't far behind. Both of them gave the older man a hug and thanked him for his story. However, neither of them had a clue what to do with all this new information. They walked out of the school and down to the subway in silence as they debated the decisions that lay ahead.

* * *

Sheldon stormed into Sue's office, his face red, chest heaving. "Did you do this, Sue?" he demanded in a hoarse tone as he failed to control his volume.

The older blonde woman folded her newspaper in half and pulled off her rectangular spectacles before slowly pulling her Nike-clad sneakers off the desk. "You didn't have to come all the way from Ohio just to thank me, Sheldon," she said smugly.

The former football coach threw a tabloid down in front of her. He hovered over the expensive antique cherry wood, palms outstretched on the desk as he held her gaze, their noses nearly touching. "You may think this is funny, but you are going to get that girl killed," he growled, his hot breath filling her nostrils.

Sue pulled back and stood up from her leather office chair. "Her boyfriend is going to get her killed. I did her a favor!" she vehemently defended herself. "You of all people should know how seriously I take what he's doing to that little girl. I know you remember who it was that pulled you out of that sham of a marriage."

"I pulled _myself_ out," he spat. "Yeah, you and the rest gave me the strength to do it, but it was my decision. You just signed that girl's death warrant. I hope you fucking burn, Sue Sylvester." Without another word, he turned on his heel and stormed out of the office to find Will. When he got to the school, he found his old friend rehearsing with Klaus in the auditorium. One look at the headline and the rockstar ran as fast as his legs could carry him. It was Monday. Elena and Caroline always hung out and ate junk food on Mondays. If Damon got there and Caroline got in his way... No, he couldn't think about that. He just had to get to her.

* * *

"Did you bring the stuff?" Elena asked excitedly as she opened the front door for Caroline.

The bubbly blonde bounced inside armed with a very full grocery bag. "You know I did," she replied brightly as she unpacked the bag between them on the couch once they sat down. The pregnant teen hastily threw together a sandwich of Mallorca bread from Starbucks with marshmallow fluff and pickles. "That is so disgusting," she groaned with an amused shake of her head.

"Shut up," the brunette said jokingly around a mouthful, her eyes closing in pleasure. "Just give me my cucumber soda." Caroline looked the other way as she handed her a glass bottle of fizzing liquid horror. "Did you get the siracha?" she asked, gulping down the rest of her sandwich as Caroline tried not to wretch as the smell of pepper filled the air. She couldn't watch as Elena poured peanuts into a bowl and doused them with the spiciest hot sauce in Manhattan, eating them with a spoon like weird pregnancy cereal.

"Oh my God," she moaned in elation. "That hit the spot. Hand me the Cherry Garcia, would you?"

"Cherry ice cream is a crime against nature. Why can't you just eat chocolate like a normal person?" the blonde asked as she handed over the pint.

"It has chocolate _in_ it!" Elena countered defensively. Caroline rolled her eyes at the disgusting meal unfolding before her crystal blue eyes, but held her tongue as her friend devoured every last bite in the entire bag. She washed it down with a shot of wheatgrass to lock in the flavor of her feast, moaning again in orgasmic delight. "Thank you," she said gratefully once she'd caught her breath. "I needed that so much. Junk food is all that's keeping me going these days."

"I take it Damon isn't becoming the loving man you predicted now that his Viagra is working?" Despite the snark, her crystal blue eyes narrowed as she thought about the bastard abusing her pregnant friend.

Elena snorted and rolled her eyes. "His exact words when the doctor told him I needed to be careful with vaginal sex were, 'Yeah, well, you still got a mouth.'"

"At least he didn't say, "Yeah, well, you still got an ass,'" Caroline spat in disgust. "I really don't get why you don't just leave, Elena. Stefan loves you more than his idiot brother ever could."

The brunette sighed sadly as she took another sip of her cucumber soda. "He isn't _all_ bad. There are times that he holds me and tells me I'm beautiful even though I'm getting fat," she said chipperly with an optimistic nod. "And he does make sure I get to have an orgasm. That's something. He didn't used to do that before."

"Don't you fake it with him?" Caroline asked, face marred with distaste.

"Well, yeah, but I mean he doesn't _know_ that I have to do that," she whispered conspiratorially, looking around worriedly.

"Guess there's a lot that I don't know," came an evil voice from the doorway. Elena sucked in a deep breath as she realized how much Damon must have heard if the way his eyes shook with rage was a fair indicator. He stomped over to them and threw a tabloid right in his pregnant girlfriend's face. He grabbed her by the collar of her stretchy red t-shirt and yanked her up. "What the _FUCK_ is this?" His voice was a menacing growl as Caroline quickly grabbed the magazine and gasped at the headline printed in bold letters over a picture of Elena caught in between the Salvatore brothers as they stared at each other intensely.

"Who's the Daddy? Elena Gilbert Keeps It in the Family."

Before the blonde could even process the scene unfolding before her, Damon ripped her up by her curls. She nearly toppled over as he brutally dragged her to the door, slamming it in her face. She'd have bruises in the morning from where he'd shoved her. She banged on it as forcefully as she could, but it wouldn't budge. She frantically pulled out her phone and dialed Stefan. She cut him off as soon as she heard his voice. "Stefan! He knows!" she screamed down the line. "Damon _knows_! He's in there with Elena and I _can't get the damn door open_ _!_ " She furiously tugged at the handle, pounding on the steel with her tiny fists as she held the phone to her ear with her shoulder.

"Caroline. Caroline!" Stefan shouted into his Xiaomi as he ran at full speed from a few blocks away where he'd been shooting hoops with Davina. " _CAROLINE_!" he bellowed, finally getting her attention. "Stop talking. I'm on the way," he promised in between heaving breaths as his chest began to constrict in both fear and from the effort of racing down the sidewalks of Manhattan. "Stop banging on the door. Don't give Damon an excuse to come after you, too. I'm calling 911 right now."

Caroline clawed at her hair as desperate cries escaped her throat, her body crumbling against the wall. She sobbed into her knees, her arms pulling her into a little ball of hopeless frustration as she waited for help to arrive. From behind the locked door she could hear the sounds of Elena's frightened pleas and Damon's feral snarls. A raging beast closing in on his prey. A harmony of shattering objects filled the air with cascading desperation as the brunette ran around and around, her footsteps echoing into the hall. It all culminated in one blood-curdling scream followed by the unmistakable sound of a body falling broken to the floor.

Then, there was silence.

The only thing Caroline could focus on was the fierce beating of her heart as she clung desperately to one of Kai's prayer straws. She chanted out prayer after prayer, unsure if anyone could hear, uncaring if anyone could not. _Hope was all she had._ All she could do was wait for her hero.

When Stefan saw Klaus running to the building from the opposite direction, he knew him to be his ally. The boys nodded at each other in silent understanding as they made their way up the stairs. When they reached the landing, they were beyond out of breath, the model's face unrecognizable behind a mask of a rage Caroline had never seen on his handsome visage. Klaus immediately fell to her side, pulling her protectively to his chest, all of the angst from the past few months gone in an instant when lives were on the line. The look on Stefan's face when they met on the street had been enough for him to know the blonde wasn't the one in his heart, or the one in his bed. He'd been wrong about everything. His only recourse was to protect the girl he loved.

The hair model unlocked the door, nearly pulling it off the hinges as he ripped it open. Caroline looked beyond him to see Damon on top of Elena, her jeans cast uselessly across the floor. Stefan growled as he pulled his brother off of her, punching him in the face with such brutality that blood spurted into the air. Caroline covered her mouth with her hands, hysterical cries attacking her from the inside out. As soon as Stefan threw Damon against the wall, she and Klaus raced in to get to Elena. He looked around and found the nearest blanket, quickly covering her exposed flesh. The pregnant teenager lay dying before their terrified eyes. She was bleeding from the side of her head, her eyes dark with rapidly blossoming bruises, her face pale as color drained through her broken veins.

Elena felt herself rise up out of her body as the scene took on an ethereal quality. She looked on as the police arrived, EMTs following closely behind. Music began to play softly in the background as she sang for no one. "I will have to die for this, I fear. There's rage and terror and there's sickness here. I fight because I have to. I fight for us to know the truth." She watched as Caroline cried into Klaus' chest, his arms wrapped tightly around her. "There's not enough rope to tie me down. There's not enough tape to shut this mouth. The stones you throw can make me bleed, but I won't stop until we're free. Wild hearts can't be broken. No, wild hearts can't be broken."

The pregnant teen watched herself be lifted by several pairs of strong arms onto a gurney. She followed along, surrounded by a ghostly glow as she watched her body fade into the distance as the ambulance flew to the nearest hospital, lights flashing red and white in the night. "This is my rally cry. I know it's hard. We have to try. This is a battle I must win. To want my share is not a sin."

Suddenly, she found herself in the operating room as doctors worked on her, desperately trying to save the life of her and her unborn child. Her hand rested on her belly as she continued her invisible song. "There's not enough rope to tie me down. There's not enough tape to shut this mouth. The stones you throw can make me bleed, but I won't stop until we're free. Wild hearts can't be broken. No, wild hearts can't be broken."

Elena watched back at her apartment as Damon was handcuffed behind his back and marched down the stairs. She felt her heart clench at the agony on the faces of her friends. Stefan didn't wait for the police to question him. He turned his back on them and raced to the nearest taxi. She turned to look at her now ex-boyfriend as they loaded him into the car, an anger she'd never felt filling her. "You beat me; betray me. You're losing; we're winning. My spirit above me, you cannot deny me. My freedom is burning. This broken world keeps turning. I'll never surrender. There's nothing but a victory!"

As the song reached it's apex, Elena returned to the hospital. She watched on as the nurses collected various samples from her now stabilized body, the surgery a success. Caroline paced in the waiting room while Klaus leaned against the wall, his leg bent at the door, boot on soft blue paint. The still pregnant girl's sole source of comfort was the tender gaze the singer aimed at her best friend, the love between them palpable. Her heart swelled with the strength she'd been longing for. This was it. There was no more hiding.

"There's not enough rope to tie me down!" she belted into the hospital room as her true love was finally allowed to join her. "There's not enough tape to shut this mouth! The stones you throw can make me bleed, but I won't stop until we're free! Wild hearts can't be broken! No, wild hearts can't be broken. Wild hearts can't be broken."

As the music faded to a quiet piano solo, Elena felt her soul return to her body as she gently opened her eyes to find Stefan waiting for her. She quietly finished the final line, returning his relieved smile, the worst behind them.

"This wild heart can't be broken."

* * *

Suddenly, Elena found herself standing next to Kai in front of a black backdrop, a teleprompter flashing the words she supposed she should read. Looking straight ahead, she said slowly and clearly, "If you, or someone you know, is in danger, there is help, and there is hope. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is open every minute of every day. They can be reached anytime by calling 1-800-799-SAFE. That's 1-800-799-7233."

Kai also looked ahead into the darkness as he read, "No matter how much pain you're in, don't ever give up. If you feel like hurting yourself, don't. If you need to talk to someone, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. All you have to do is pick up the phone and dial 1-800-273-8255. Someone will be there to hear you."

They joined hands and said together to anyone who was listening, "You are never alone."

* * *

A/N Whew! That was an emotional episode. I want to reiterate that this was not meant to be funny. Satire is meant to draw attention to key social issues. Domestic violence is one very near and dear to me. The number I listed above is a real one in the USA. Use it if you need to, or pass it on to someone who does. Join me next week for the season finale, and don't forget to leave a review!


	12. I Wish You Farewell

**A/N** Alright, we have reached the end of the season of _Heartbreak High_! I would like to extend my sincere thanks to those of you who came down this rabbit hole of crack fic with me. This was originally plotted out for a 9-part series, but I stopped after 4 and eventually broke that into the 12 we have now. The second half was much more Klaroline-centric. I went back and added a bonus KC scene as a thank you for tolerating the lack of them lately. I may go back and write Season Two someday, but for right now… I wish you farewell! ~Ellie

* * *

**Episode Twelve – I Wish You Farewell**

Concussions were a bitch. It was more than a week before Elena was released from hospital. At the doctor's, and Emma's, strong recommendation, she agreed to check herself into the psychiatric unit at New York's famed Bellevue hospital. Her body was slowly on the mend, but her mind and heart had a long way to go. Despite overwhelming evidence, the police still needed her to record a statement in order to prosecute Damon for sexual battery and attempted murder. There was a strong chance she would eventually have to testify against him in open court. While she wanted justice for all she'd endured, a large part of her wanted to put it behind her and get on with her life without the trauma of a trial.

She certainly had a lot to think about as she watched November rain fall against the plexiglass windows of the adolescent ward. "It doesn't get more interesting the longer you stare at it," a quiet voice came from beside her, startling her out of her reverie.

"Kai," she said in surprise. Taking in his disheveled appearance and large bandage covering his right ear, it wasn't hard to guess why he was here, too. Still, she asked innocently, "What are you doing in the psych unit?"

The youngest Gemini sighed. He was utterly exhausted. Sheldon's story had gotten to him more than he cared to admit. He knew he would either end up dead at the straws of his people, or he would do the deed himself. He'd chosen the latter. "I tried to kill myself, but it didn't work," he explained with a small, defeated quirk of his upper lip. "Unfortunately, my dad found me bleeding out in the bathroom. When he saw the cotton sticking out of my ear, he knew what I'd done. Surprisingly, he cared enough to call 911. The q-tip popped my ear drum. The doctors say I'll recover eventually, but I won't regain the hearing in this ear. Guess my singing days are pretty much over."

"Jesus, Kai," she gasped in shock, quickly dodging several falling straws. "Why don't you just let Emma set you up somewhere?"

The partially deaf boy shook his head slowly side to side, careful not to get dizzy as his inner ear was still out of equilibrium. "My dad is taking me back to Oregon as soon as I get discharged for an exorcism. He's convinced the school got me to take holy communion with a biodegradable straw."

"You do realize your father is insane, right?" Elena asked cautiously.

He snorted in irritation. "I'm sixteen, not stupid." His tone was bitter as he rolled his eyes. "They're all fucking nuts, every last one of them. I've already been here for a week. They can't keep me forever. Eventually, I'll get discharged back to my family."

"You've been here a whole week?" she asked in surprise. "Does anyone know?"

He nodded his head. "Yeah, I told Klaus and D."

Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "They didn't tell me! Kai, I'm so sorry. I would have called, or sent flowers, or something," she said sincerely as she reached for his hand.

He quickly pulled his hand away, standing up and beckoning her to follow with a cock of his head. "You had enough to worry about. Come on. I'll show you my favorite place here."

The two troubled teens walked down the hall together in silence. Halfway to their destination, Kai stopped outside the door to his room. He looked around to make sure the coast was clear before inviting her in. "Here," he said softly as he handed her his only spare clothes. "You need these more than me."

Elena looked down at her plain white hospital gown and bright yellow non-skid footies. Stefan hadn't been allowed to come with her on the transfer. He'd gone back to what was now solely their apartment to pack a bag for her, but visitation wasn't for two days. She took the well-worn jeans, dark grey hoodie and light purple t-shirt from him and smiled gratefully. "Thanks," she said politely, tucking a loose brown tendril behind her ear. "You mind giving me a minute?"

"Oh, yeah, sure," he answered awkwardly. It hadn't occurred to him that she might not want him there when she changed. He was a woman, too, after all. "I'll be outside. Take your time." She pulled the clothes on in a hurry as soon as the door shut behind her, tossing her gown in a laundry bin in the hall as they continued their journey. "That was fast," he commented, her response a shrug. "Here," he said, holding a heavy metal door open for her. "There are a few of these, but I like this one the most."

Elena looked around the strange hospital room. It was like something out of a movie; the walls, ceiling and floors were all covered in fluffy white padding. She raised her eyebrow at Kai but he just shrugged. She hummed thoughtfully. Whatever made him happy, she supposed. She wasn't exactly in a position to judge anyone else's life choices when hers had led her to this moment. Kai sat down with his back to the wall, his jean-clad legs crossed beneath him, the brunette quickly following suit. "You look good," she said honestly. "I haven't seen you this relaxed in a really long time."

Kai smiled at her sheepishly. "Yeah, I'm sure I look better now. Those first few days without cotton were fucking harsh."

The hand model smiled at him gently and patted his hand. "I hear detox is a bitch."

"Seriously," he said in a high-pitched voice as he tossed imaginary blonde curls over his shoulders. They shared a brief grin before the solemnity of their situations fell over them. A leaden blanket of icy misery. "You wanna see something cool?" he asked shyly. Elena nodded her head, prompting him to pull a small doll out of his jacket pocket. She took it from him, turning it over in her hands. She had red hair, sparkly purple pants, no shoes, a double starred purple barrette and a sleeveless blouse decorated with glittery purple outlines of stars. "Kelly Club Barbie Jenny Singing Star All Grown Up Series," he said by way of explanation. Elena looked at him sideways, her expression skeptically curious. Taking the tiny doll back, he told her with a smile, "Someone left it at the hospital for me right before I was transferred here."

"Hmm," she hummed speculatively. "Any idea who?"

He nodded his head, gently stroking the doll's shiny polyester hair. "Yeah, it was my sister, Jo."

"The one with the twins?"

"Yeah, Lizzie and Josie." He smiled at the thought of his twin, all grown up and married with children. "This was hers when we were kids. All I wanted back then was a doll of my own, but of course I had to play with fucking trucks and dinosaurs," he groaned. "Jo used to sneak this one to me when my dad was out filming his sermons. She was my favorite," he said fondly. He sighed as he looked down at the doll he'd always wanted from the childhood he'd never had. "Things were easier back then."

"I know the feeling," Elena agreed, resting her brown hair against the padded wall of the quiet room. "How did we get here, Kai?"

"I have no idea," he said with a grim laugh. "I look in the mirror and don't recognize the face staring back at me. Of course, the giant bandage covering half of my head doesn't help," he said with a sly smirk at the grin spreading across her face. "This isn't what I wanted, you know? Being here. A loser junkie in a nuthouse."

"Q-tips hardly have you shooting up with toilet water in a Burger King bathroom," Elena snorted, a morbid chuckle escaping from the back of her throat. "I didn't exactly see myself getting the shit beaten out of me for getting pregnant by my abusive boyfriend's brother, either. Shit happens."

"So, you know it's Stefan's?" he asked quietly.

"Why does nobody find that surprising?" she asked, annoyed. "Were we that obvious?" When she saw his face, she held up a hand. "Don't answer that. It doesn't matter anyway. No," she answered with a shake of her head. "I don't know that for sure. The odds are heavily in his favor, but there's a slim chance it might be Damon's. Either way, Stefan is the father even if he isn't the sperm donor."

"You'll be a good mom," he said sincerely. "Just do me a favor... if you have a boy... and he wants to play with dolls..." His voice trailed off, but she'd gotten the message. She wouldn't do to her baby what was done to him. She patted his free hand, covering it with her own. He blew out a deep breath before turning to look at her, head resting against the wall. "Like I said, things were simpler then."

Elena rolled her eyes when music began. "Kai," she groaned. "You just quoted a P!nk song. We're going to have to sing now."

Kai laughed out loud, the joyful sound echoing around the padded walls... as much as sound could echo off padded walls. "Don't worry, pregs. I got this one," he said with a wink as the music gave him his cue. "Another day. Another sin. Another day I'm late again. Oh, just like that my money's spent. Where did it all go? Another night. Another heart. Another one leaves in the dark, and I'm searching for my counterpart. Where did it all go? And I lock every single door, and I look behind me even more. Now turned into someone that I swore I would never be."

Elena listened to the maudlin tone in his voice. She didn't have the heart to tell him that he was completely off key. He was probably right that his singing career was over. However, he was a very pretty boy. He'd make a beautiful woman. She and Stefan could easily get her into modeling when she transitioned. "I wish I could go back to playing barbies in my room," he sang softly. "They never say that you gotta grow up quite this soon. How fast things change, and now I'm here and all I wanna do is go back to playing barbies in my room."

Kai pulled out his little Jenny doll and made her dance in little circles as he reached the second verse, his notes all over the place. "I see it on my father's face: another line that comes with age. I know that time will have its way. Where did it all go? They say that things were simple then, although I don't remember when. I wanna know what happens next. Where do we all go?" He looked to his friends as though she might have an answer for him, but she didn't. Some things a woman had to figure out for herself.

"And I lock every single door, and I look behind me even more," he sang wildly off key. "Now turned into someone that I swore I would never be." A long-suffering sigh escaped from his nostrils as he moved on to the chorus, sadness filling his chest. "I wish I could go back to playing barbies in my room. They never say that you gotta grow up quite this soon. How fast things change, and now I'm here and all I wanna do is go back to playing barbies in my room."

Elena watched as Kai danced the little doll around the padded floor, his eyes glassed over as if in a trance. He thought back to all the times he'd been free to play with his sister's dolls. They'd had some good memories. Those times were gone now. If he didn't do something, and soon, a memory of a happy moment was all he'd ever have. "Pink canopies and grass-stained knees. Putting fireflies in a jar. Getting home before it's dark. Scotch-taping posters on my wall. Rolling pixie sticks to smoke. Couldn't wait 'til I was older."

The last line of the bridge struck a chord deep in his soul. Being older wasn't all he'd hoped for. He really did miss those carefree days before things like gender and sexuality really mattered. A tear rolled down his cheek. This time, he let it fall... and he let the next one fall... and the next. His voice cracked as he sang the final chorus, Elena's hand closing around his. "I wish I could go back to playing barbies in my room. They never say that you gotta grow up quite this soon. How fast things change, and now I'm here and all I wanna do is go back to playing barbies in my room. Back to playing barbies. Uh, I wish that I could go back. I wish that I could go back. I wish that I could go back, back to playing barbies in my room," he finished, his voice nearly a discordant whisper.

The quiet room was silent long after the music faded back from whence it came. The two teenagers spent a long time pondering how they'd ended up here, both lost in thought. Elena was the first to speak. "We can't live like this anymore, Kai," she said softly. When he looked at her blankly, she cleared her throat and repeated herself so he could hear her with his remaining ear. Taking a deep breath, her words rang clear as she gathered her strength to say, "I'll make you a deal."

* * *

New York Taxi drivers were such assholes. Caroline was running late and was _seriously_ not in the mood for public transportation. She stomped her foot and groaned as a third consecutive yellow cab sailed passed her on the street corner. Just when she was about to give up and hotfoot it to the subway, a smooth British accent called out to her. "Need a ride, sweetheart?"

The young blonde couldn't fight back the smile threatening to spread across her face at the sound of her former lover's voice. They hadn't spoken much since that terrible day at the hospital, but he'd come through when she needed him the most, and for that the young singer was immensely grateful. Things were still tense between them, but at least Klaus knew her relationship with Stefan really had been about styling his hair. Taking a breath to steady herself, she flipped her golden curls over her shoulder and met his smirk with a polite smile. "May as well, since we're going to the same place."

The pop-rock hybrid opened the door of his chauffeured Town Car and scooted over to make room for her. "So…" The air between them was thick with awkward tension, neither sure what to say. She frowned when she looked down and saw a suitcase. "Going somewhere?"

"They're for Kai," he answered quickly. She nodded, clearly relieved. He'd missed her like hell. After everything that had happened, he hadn't known how to approach her, but when he'd seen her on the street corner, he couldn't stop himself from telling his driver to pull over. He looked at her and she looked at him, each waiting for the other to make a move. Sighing, he reached over and took her hand. "I'm not going anywhere."

Smiling coyly, she pulled his arm around her shoulder and swung her legs over his lap. "Why would you? New York is the center of the universe." Their shared grin at the old memory lasted about three seconds before his lips were on hers. They had a long way to go to repairing their relationship, and they would have to be careful about coming out together in public, but as their mouths moved together, it was like nothing had ever changed.

* * *

Will smiled as he welcomed his former students into his office. "Tell me you have good news, boys," he said hopefully, clapping his hands together in front of him. "YES!" he shouted triumphantly when Kurt handed him that morning's tabloid. "'The Final Straw: Kai Parker Escapes Gemini Prison World," he read the headline out loud. "I love it," he said with genuine joy in his tone as he flopped down on his giant comfy couch.

"Yep. He wants to say goodbye to the glee club this afternoon. After that, he's on the next plane to Florida for q-tip rehab," Blaine said happily. "Emma came through big time. She got him admitted into TipWaters in West Palm. He'll be recovering in a mansion on a barrier island for the next sixty days. We'll fly down with Klaus and Davina over Christmas for the family education program."

"I take it he accepted your offer?" the curly haired Headmaster asked.

"He did," Kurt confirmed. "Good ol' Benji was more than happy to sign over custody of Kai after he told that fucking charlatan what he could do with his straws," he said with a smile, eyes flashing mischievously. "It didn't hurt that Sheldon came along for the ride. We know him as our beloved Coach, but I'll tell you what, Will. He is one scary son of a gun."

"Don't fuck with the Beiste," Blaine confirmed, the husband's hands meeting mid-air for a loud high-five, the crack ringing victoriously through the office.

Will's phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out and read a text from Emma. "This day just got so much better," he announced, holding up his Mi 21 for the married men to read the screen.

"I have to hand it to your wife," Kurt said with a gracious nod of his head. "Getting Elena to make a statement about Damon is pretty damn impressive."

The older man nodded in agreement as he rose from the plush cushions, tucking his phone away in his jeans after dismissing another text. "They're on their way back now. Elena's got a long road ahead of her before she really gets past this, though."

"They both do," Blaine interjected as he held the door open.

"But they're on the highway," Kurt said definitively. "The worst is over. They have seen the light at the end of the tunnel... or whatever crap Kai was babbling about when he made me promise to keep this with me while he's away," he said as he turned a prayer straw over in his delicate fingers.

"Hard to believe that kid still believes in anything after all the Biblical crap his dad perverted," Will snorted. "But, I'm glad he does."

"Agreed," both men said at once. They shared a sideways smile as they clasped hands when the three of them entered the senior's auditorium. They all sat together on the apron as the club members filed in. Kai arrived with Klaus right behind Davina, the older boy holding a suitcase full of brand-new clothes he'd procured for his best friend's trip to Florida. Caroline waited a moment before walking in with Stefan, who she'd texted to wait for her. At his knowing smirk, she'd simply rolled her eyes and it was all the confirmation he needed that the lovebirds were singing in tune.

Everyone chatted among themselves as the rest of the club arrived, along with several of the staff. The two survivors had asked everyone to come for one final duet before Kai left. Santana and Brittany greeted Sheldon with massive hugs and bright smiles. A few minutes later, Rachel came in with similar enthusiasm. Beyonariah was there, too, holding her biological mother's hand on one side of her small frame, Rachel's husband Jesse St. James holding her other. Elena was the last to arrive, Emma at her side.

"Thank you all for coming at the last minute to see me off," Kai said to his chosen family from the apron. He was met with a round of well wishes and cheers from everyone in attendance. "As you all know, I lost the hearing in my right ear," he reminded them all with a sigh. "I appreciate that none of you have said anything, but I know my notes are all over the place."

"But we're going to sing anyway," Elena interjected, taking his hand as she met him center stage. Kai looked to his fellow survivor with a knowing smile. "We just may need a little help from the rest of you." Predictably, everyone filed on stage, including little Beyonariah.

"What are we singing?" Rachel asked curiously. Like everyone else from Lima, she knew every song ever written and could choreograph a number in her sleep.

"I had a little say in that," came the voice of R&B superstar Mercedes Jones as she walked out of the wings with a massive smile and open arms.

"Mercedes!" Kurt squealed happily, embracing one of his oldest friend and fellow glee club founder.

"What are you doing here?" Brittany asked as her wife tackled their surprise visitor.

Mercedes brushed herself off after she'd received the last of everyone's hugs. Her eyes looked past the crowd to the other side of the stage at her own surprise guest. "You didn't think you were gonna sing a pop gospel song without your two best divas, did you?" sassed Unique Adams. The successful singer was met with her own round of excited hugs and squeals.

"Ok, now I definitely need to know what we're signing," Santana said, interrupting the celebration unfolding on the stage.

"Oh, just a little something by my girl Ke$ha," Unique said with a wink. "I learned it pretty well when I toured with her before Mercedes and I put out our first duet."

"After all that girl went through, she still managed to find a way to forgive," Kai told the group. "I can't say I'm where she was when she wrote this, but I'm getting there."

"I don't care what notes you miss. You're a superstar in my book. Take it away, girls," Unique said as the lights fell and a slow piano ballad began.

Elena took a deep, steadying breath as she held her head up high. "Well, you almost had me fooled," she began, chills falling down everyone's spine at the gravity of her inner strength.

"Told me that I was nothing without you," Kai came in completely off key. No one said a word. "Oh, but after everything you've done," he continued before Elena joined in.

"I can thank you for how strong I have become," the survivors sang in harmony, Elena's freshly manicured hand gently falling to her belly.

Mercedes voice harmonized with Unique as the quartet started the chorus. "Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell." That was when the first straws began to fall. "I had to learn how to fight for myself, and we both know all the truth I could tell. I'll just say this is 'I wish you farewell.'"

Elena's solo carried through the air as the orchestra's instruments blended in with the piano. "I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'." The next round of plastic fell from the fly, the singers paying them no mind.

Kai took the next line. "I hope your soul is changin', changin'."

They finished the first chorus together, hands clasped tightly together. "I hope you find your peace falling on your knees, prayin'." Klaus came to stand beside his best friend, joining their hands as well. Stefan did the same to Elena, Caroline to his left, all of them ignoring the latest flurry of straws.

Kai shamelessly sang, "I'm proud of who I am."

Elena's voice was almost drowned out among the whistles from all who were there to witness their triumph. "No more monsters. I can breathe again."

Rachel, Brittany and Santana joined in. "And you said that I was done. Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come."

Elena and Kai squeezed each other's hands as they took it away when Blaine and Kurt chimed in. "Cause I can make it on my own, oh, and I don't need you. I found a strength I've never known."

Kai stepped forward, Elena close behind to sing their solos. "I'll bring thunder. I'll bring rain," he bellowed.

"Oh, when I'm finished, they won't even know your name!" she sang proudly as memories of Damon made her voice crack. That's all he was now: a memory. The prosecutors were predicting he would take a plea deal. Elena's baby would be an adult before he saw the light of day, raised by Stefan with love. And a lot of aunts and uncles.

Kai thought back to the look on his father's face when he told him that he hated straws, a painful surge of victory constricting his throat. Together, he and Elena sang, "You brought the flames and you put me through hell. I had to learn how to fight for myself, and we both know all the truth I could tell. I'll just say this is, 'I wish you farewell.'" None of them bothered with the straws as they fell freely from the sky like snowflakes through the rest of the song.

Everyone on stage, including little Beyonariah, joined hands behind the teenagers as they all sang out at the top of their lungs. "I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'. I hope your soul is changin', changin'. I hope you find your peace falling on your knees, prayin'."

Elena took a deep breath, a sob almost breaking free before she managed to choke it down, refusing to give Damon one more tear. "Ah, sometimes, I pray for you at night."

Kai was similarly struggling to keep it together, but he pushed through... as he always would. "Oh, someday maybe you'll see the light.

The Lima alumni chimed in the background, "Whoa oh oh oh."

Kai squeezed Elena's hand so tightly that it burned a fire between them as he croaked, "Some say, 'In life, you're gonna get what you give.'"

Elena held nothing back as she screamed to the theater, "But some things only God can forgive!"

Fortunately for everyone involved, Rachel and Mercedes were as competitive in their thirties as they had been when they founded the glee club. Their powerful voices drowned out the sound of Kai's very broken high note. "Yeah!"

Before the two divas could come to blows, the rest of the singers came together for the final powerful chorus, the sound of steadily falling straws plinking lightly against the wood of the stage. "I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'. I hope your soul is changin', changin'."

Kai did a better job holding his composure than did his pregnant friend. As his adoptive fathers placed a hand on each of his shoulders, he realized Elena needed the last line more than he did. He let her finish the song solo as tears streamed down her cheeks, several straws stuck in her long brown locks.

"I hope you find your peace falling on your knees, prayin. Prayin'."

**THE END**


End file.
